CW: Venting, irl, mentions of verbal harassment

So, let's talk about driving.

I live in a pretty tightly packed area. There's just rows and rows and rows of houses in any direction. You've got to go for quite a ways before you get to any stores or businesses. Generally, if you want to go anywhere, you need to be able to drive. Jogging and bicycling can only get you so far. There is no public transport here. You can't just take a tram to work or walk to the grocery store. You have no choice but to drive.

Now, this is something that's been being hammered into my head since I was something like 16. I need to learn to drive. Everyone here does. I was pressured from early on during a very bad time in my life to learn to drive, and I just couldn't. I was completely overwhelmed and dropped it. I actually fell deep into physical disability, but that's a story for another time.

By the time I could actually walk again, it was back. Mostly from my mom, mind you. And again - I won't be able to get any kind of job, not even a simple grocery store one, unless I can drive. So I put my back into it and put weeks into online driver's ed. I learned all the rules. I took tests. I studied for the required minimum hours, alone. I did this, sometimes daily, bit by bit, until I could take the final exam... and I passed.

So I got a learner's permit. Now what?

In my state, you need to practice driving with someone who is 21 or over with a driver's license. There's only one person available to me who fills that role - my mom. So, we got to practice driving, when she was free.

And it was rough. Every single day was filled with scorn, hate, and just general disdain for me and everything I did. Every little mistake I made was heightened, she raised her voice and yelled at me, she pushed me down every time I got back up. She didn't explain things, she scolded me for not knowing exactly what she meant, and she ensured I left every session feeling worse than when I started.

But you know what? I persisted. I fought through this. I fought against her constantly forgetting when we planned to drive, then shouting at me about how busy she is when I asked. I fought against every "you're going to need a lot more practice", "it was easy for your brother", and "I don't feel safe with you driving", every argument we had in the car, every time she shouted "stop!" when I was already pressing down the brake.

I put a serious amount of dedication into this endeavor. I put all I had into this. All my effort into putting up with her, with the stress of driving, with practicing in the roads near my house, with the anxiety spikes almost every time she spoke in a certain tone.

She wouldn't put an ounce of effort into toning off the back seat driving, or trying to be nice, or to not raise her voice. There was never a single change. It continued all the same. If anything, every time I asked her to stop, she'd argue why she shouldn't stop and I somehow "make" her this way by being so bad.

But I persisted. I had no choice, after all. It was this or don't learn to drive at all. Months went by of summoning all my grit to endure just one more session, one more verbal lashing, for the sake of being free.

And at the tail end of 2023, I finally felt confident enough to go take the DPS test to earn my license. That was a nightmare in itself. I went into it panicked, the instructor was very rude and condescending, and the resulting RSD attack she gave me made me question everything about my existence and break down the worst in a long time.

But I couldn't let that be it. I decided to seek a driving school, because I couldn't tolerate working with mom anymore. And this is where we get to today.

I'd found what I thought was a good driving school. It seemed friendly and professional enough. It was pretty cheap. Today was my first hour. I told the dude I wanted to practice parallel parking and control...

We practiced parallel parking first. And I think I actually learned how it's supposed to work. Great! But then the scolding began. This man would not let off of me. He wasn't necessarily insulting, but he just kept talking and talking about what I was doing wrong. He wouldn't stop, and as his words filled my head, he started to get unclear, vague, confusing.

We did some practice driving round town. He was not having it with me. Every single fucking turn I made was somehow wrong and he made sure I knew. My speed was too low, too high, my hands were wrong, my eyes were wrong, I moved the car wrong. But I'd been doing the same thing I always did! And my brother drove the same way on the way home. Why me?!

He legitimately hurt me. I left that place in a terrible mood. I went right to bed after lunch. And a few hours later, I called and canceled my remaining hours. It's just not worth it. I don't know what to do now.