I think things might finally be starting to improve. The main issue here being my difficulties with socializing and especially meeting new people. That's honestly my biggest concern right now, even bigger than driving because I've basically already got that in the bag.
So, I'm seeing a therapist now. We've had two sessions, and while I don't think we've gotten to major coping skills or solutions yet, I have hope for this. But I'm also trying a little experiment. A friend invited me to their personal discord a while back, and I neglected to join for the longest time. I decided to finally take them up on that offer, for the sake of improvement.
I did this once before - last year. Back then, it was a mistake. The person was untrustworthy, the group was extremely clique and unsafe for me mentally, and I was thrust far, far past my comfort zone. But this time is different. I had a look at the server. While its vibes may be a little strange and new to me so far, and I don't recognize most of the faces there, it doesn't seem particularly possessive or grabby. It seems relatively calm, maybe even, safe? A lot of the people there share similar interests or qualities to me too (autistic, furries, queer/trans).
I was told today that meeting people just for the sake of meeting people is a bit iffy. You want to meet people with a common context - for example, when London meets people in vrchat, he meets them in games, so they have this pretext that they both like to play this game, and that acts as a kind of "screening process" to ascertain someone will be okay to talk to. In my case, the context would be... the server in question maybe? But I don't think that's enough.
Here's the plan now:
Voice chats. Probably gonna be the most important thing here. I'm going to enter voice chats in this new server - with the idea in mind that I need them to be small and I need familiar people in there with me. So I'm going to need to coordinate with those people - but, I think there's hope for this. I hope that doing this will help to break the ice, so to speak, and act as the "context" needed for a bond to start forming.
Games. I think once I voice chat with a few people in the server enough - assuming they don't then go into my DMs and we progress to friendship from there - I can suggest we play some kind of game perhaps. And of course it's possible we won't have games in common. But in theory, if I can get us to be doing something together, that'll help form a bond too.
Knocking away my fear. As I do this, I'm going to be punching back at the fear paralyzing me. Every word I say to someone who might be a new friend - every topic change, every laugh, every emotion I share - can serve as proof that these defense mechanisms are not needed anymore.
It's going to be a long and hard journey, and I've been hurt majorly up until now. But, I can do it. I really think so. Writing this late at night is honestly kind of hitting me hard. Something feels so surreal about this. The idea itself feels... so scary, but so worth it. I already know 100% that I'm going to be entering fight-or-flight multiple times and getting overwhelmed doing this. But this is what I'm fighting against. I can't let these stupid behaviors ruin my mind and my life forever.
The reward, as vague as it is, is going to be... just absolutely worth it. Maybe I'll feel less lonely, maybe I'll start to feel strong and like I can stand up for myself, maybe I'll learn something else, maybe it'll satisfy me in some other way. In fact, maybe I can learn to love just talking to people as a concept again. As it is now, I just kind of exist near people in this state of constantly trying to figure out what their game is, what their motives are. I don't want to be on guard forever. I need this weight lifted off me, and I'm going to make that happen.
