This post comes after this post, concerning my cool new friends Mocha and August. I met them through a sticker with a furry on it in a parking lot, and the butterfly effect led me to these two partners who travel together a lot, and, like me, they're mature and wise. We found we get along really well, and as the two started inviting me to various meetups, I came every single time. With their encouragement, I tested the limits of my bubble, and went outside my comfort zone, and found it's not so bad, especially with friends like them. I genuinely felt like I could tell them anything, and I've even let August drive our car! That's an awesome level of trust to have, especially in new friends. And because of them, I learned a lot, some about our physical health, some about my bias toward negativity, some about travel, and some about the way I cultivate relationships.
After that, there was a period of silence. For two weeks. It's mostly because August was back to work and had no availability, and that's fine. During this time, Mocha sustained an ear injury, and needed a lot more rest and recovery. They mentioned in a message they sent that this is the perfect time to seek comfort from friends. I didn't think anything of it, cause I've previously had a hard time following Mocha's words. We didn't talk again until Saturday, December 6th - just four days ago.
We shared more progress of our Pokémon Black and White playthroughs, when Mocha mentioned a "growing sense of incompatibility with what I need for a long-term friendship." It scared me.
Incompatible
They'd mentioned "incompatibility" before, in passing, during a few hangouts. When they had, I'd always had this immediate trauma response, and feeling like I was being judged or tested for value. But, because of how often trauma responses show up in my regular life, I ignored them, assuming I must be overreacting. Still, I'd had this cloud over my head for a while now in our awesome friendship, where I believed I was being judged, and it colored some of our interactions. So, I responded, expressing my sadness, and that I'd love to set up a hangout with them soon, since August and Mocha are preparing to leave for a long vacation to visit family, and I'd like the chance to see them before they go.
I felt really bad about it, and we decided that, the next time we all met up, I would have a talk to Mocha about the state of our friendship. Later that day, I went to bed - our sleep disorder cycle had me sleeping during the daytime - and, unfortunately, while I was asleep, August texted about an opening they had that night. I saw it when I woke up at 1am. I missed a chance to hang out with them.
Now, this normally isn't a big deal - and it wasn't, in the end, thankfully. But I found myself apologizing profusely to them and begging for another chance. I was desperate. And I think it's because of this overbearing understanding I had that I was being judged in some way, especially with the threat of this "incompatibility" I wanted to resolve. I was panicking about it all day long, and promised I'd defy our sleep disorder and stay awake all day long just to meet with them again. Thankfully, August had another opening that evening... tonight, that is. Specifically, we'd go to a movie theater, just like our second time meeting, and watch Zootopia 2, which had just come out. I was planning to wear my cat ears and tail to the theater, to express my furriness in case there were any other furs there. Then, we were to head to a park and have a nice, long, soulful chat there.
But then, a few hours before they'd pick me up, August hit me with a message. They said they don't want to lead me on, and so, they're letting me know that tonight is our final meetup.
Zootopia 2
As for the movie? I liked it okay. Definitely felt like a family-fun movie, and felt less gritty than the original, which is a shame cause I liked that aspect a lot. And I felt there was a lot of cutaway gags, brick jokes and references, that distracted from action scenes, but that's just me.
But there is something I want to talk about in relation to the movie. Spoilers ahead!
So, the main emotional arc of the movie centers around Judy and Nick having trouble functioning as a team, not getting along, not communicating, stepping on each other's feet, and these conflicts building up over time until a breaking point. I really liked it! I feel it was a quite honest continuation of Nick and Judy's characters in the first movie. I always had some trouble rooting for Judy in the first movie, because of her overconfidence to a fault, that gets her friends into trouble. In Zootopia 2, she almost dies because of it! And, of course, Nick is prone to act sassy and smug and make jokes because he's afraid of being vulnerable. This gets explored in the sequel too.
Importantly to my point, the two's competing points of view lead to a scene where Judy scrambles to grab all the evidence she can, while Nick begs, "it's not worth dying for." She retorts with an appeal to justice, and he responds in a more realist way about the impact one person would have on changing the world. Judy turns from Nick, they go silent, and she says, "Maybe we are too different." This really stuck with me. As I was watching, at around this point, I realized the parallels between the movie's plot and what I was trying to ignore right then: that "incompatibility". The movie speaks of differences, and "partners", in multiple senses of the word. I think "communication" is a good lens to look at the story trough, too. Ultimately, the message of the movie seems to be accept your partner's differences, and work with them, in order to get along and be close to them. And, that's what I was hoping to do with Mocha and August, or at least what I'd been trying to do up until today...
In the movie, the conflict is resolved when Nick and Judy, who haven't seen each other in a long time, see each other alive again, hug tight, and pour out the feelings they've been hiding from each other all at once. The point of the scene was clear to me, though I feel like the way it was written makes it more of a comedic scene, with them throwing around big words like "childhood trauma" while they're talking back-and-forth so fast it's hard to understand them.
Anyway, I got to thinking, is there some emotional resolution I should work towards with Mocha and August? At the moment, it didn't feel likely, because I already knew Mocha and August are mature people who wouldn't make such an important decision without a good reason. But emotions were poured out later that night, don't worry.
Post-movie
After we finished the movie, we got back in the car, and August started driving us to potential places to sit down and talk, eventually deciding on a park that has some emotional significance to us as we've gone there together a few times. During the ride, I started thinking once again about what was to come, and I found myself spiraling once again, but this one would get worse. Going by the assumption I was being rejected for something, I asked if I was being too negative again after I complained about something in the movie. August said I was fine, but Mocha said "a little, I think". That was enough to speed up my brain on the roller coaster, so to speak. One thing led to another, and before I knew it, I'd completely shut down, went mostly nonverbal, and was quietly crying. Apparently, Mocha and August both noticed it, but didn't want to point it out.
We got out at the park, and I continued in much the same way. I was cold and deadpan as we all looked at what few stars we could see together, and August pointed out orion's belt and the little dipper. I didn't say it then, but they were so pretty, and it's so cool we were able to see them, despite the light pollution and all. I walked alongside August as we caught up to Mocha further ahead, and sat on the swinging bench we'd sat on the last time we came. Mocha and August kept making small talk, little chatter about the weather, December, various things being cold, stuff like the water fountain being turned off tonight, and so on. I was sitting there, bracing for impact, for when one of them would start the conversation I was dreading. I kept waiting, and they kept chattering... and I realized, they were avoiding it too. Nobody wanted to be the one to start the conversation where we have to say our goodbyes.
I finally broke through it and started us off. Obviously, I couldn't transcribe it, so here's the gist of it:
Despite what I thought before, the "giving comfort" thing with Mocha wasn't really part of their decision. The big issue is that Mocha and August want things from our relationship that I can't provide, namely they want me to be as involved in inviting them to neat places as they are, and they want their prospective friends to enjoy the outdoors, specifically the daytime, and to love exploration, finding little cozy spots, and traveling. Due to our various health conditions, most of these things range from unpleasant to impossible, normally. I was only able to enjoy them because I was doing it to hang out with them. They assured me that my efforts to hang out with them are greatly appreciated, and in fact, they've grown attached to me too, and we're in good standing - I haven't done anything wrong. That was important for me to hear.
August had also referred to us "being on different paths in life", which is true, but I felt it was vague, so they elaborated. While our current big goal is to make it to New York (then figure it out from there), Mocha's is to explore life while pursuing goals like positively impacting diamond-in-the-rough travelers who they cross paths with (like us!). August's goal is to either get a type-R car they've wanted for a long time, or become a DJ. The way they talked about them, I worried they were taking on pressure, but they assured me they're fine with it. Anyway, they spoke for a bit about how some interactions have the potential to keep them "stuck" here, preventing them from achieving their dreams, and while I don't fully understand, what I do understand is that these dreams are important to them, and they can't afford to give them up for anything. Mocha also told me how they are getting older, and they regret spending too much time on short-term friendships that weren't going to last, and chasing others. So, I understand why that'd make them come to this decision, then.
We also talked for a while about "being burned" as I called it. All 3 of us have been through many social relationships that wounded us. While the circumstances may not all be similar, the effects certainly are. We've all become detached, detached enough that we need to "test" everyone we meet, to see if they're safe to be around. We've all become so guarded after being led on, rejected, hurt, used, burnt, so many times, when acting in good faith. I've always assumed since we first met in person that they were "testing" me not just as a friend, but as a safe person especially, given the way Mocha mentioned some of their encounters.
In the end, what it boiled down to is this: August and Mocha wanted things from our relationship I couldn't give, and they realized that, with how close we all are currently, the more we hang out like this, the more we're just "stretching out" our current dynamic to its limits, which means that their unmet wants and needs will grow ever more severe, until they blow over into conflict. Unlike in the movie, our problems can't be solved by just opening up. I expressed how this is similar to my last big relationship, in which a partner of 1 year, best friend of 7 years, let many unspoken problems and discomforts build up, while I enjoyed the current dynamic and doted on them mostly unaware - until it blew up and he nuked everything at once with no chance to recover. It permanently altered our relationship such that we'll never be the same, and probably can't even talk again... this is what Mocha and August want to avoid. It's possible it could get that bad if we kept things going the way they had been, and so I believe they're making the right call cutting things off before it gets to that level... even though it hurts very badly to... lose them, like this.
There was a lot of crying on my end. I told them a few times how much I appreciate, like, and love them. I got a lot of feelings out, and said things I knew I wouldn't get the chance to say again, like that they're both adorable, especially Mocha. We took a final picture together. I returned Mocha's Pokémon Black and White collector's strategy guide, and they returned to us Sunny's old video camera that I had them try to fix (it turns out the battery needs to be replaced). We had one final drive, and I couldn't help but cry some more as I thought about how little time is left, how cozy it is to be in the passenger's seat with them, how much I love doing this with them, I remembered the "life-changing road trip" to Austin again, and wished it could stay that way forever... wished I could be whisked away by these two lovable goofballs to some far-off place, any old day. Like a field trip. Like a dream.
When we arrived, I hugged them, making sure these ones counted. I hugged them both as tight as I could, gently gripped their backs, nuzzled their cheeks, and rocked them back and forth, and stayed there for a minute. I wish I'd asked to give them kisses on the cheek, but I was too shy. Mocha gave me a gift, in a delicately decorated gift box with a ribbon, which I was to open once they left - pins of Mary from Ib, from Fangamer. We'd talked about Ib before, during our beach visit, and I'm so happy they remembered and thought of me. August expressed to me, a few times earlier and again in this moment, that, despite us cutting contact, if I'm ever in an emergency, especially related to driving, cars, or the move to NY, I should contact them and they'll be there in a heartbeat. I really appreciate that, they're wonderful.
When I went to check on them to write this post, I noticed they've both unfriended me on Steam. I don't know if that was tonight, but it fits either way. I can't re-add them, their decision is final after all... But it hurts to see. I also have been wondering for a while if they might like it if I made art of their fursonas, but I never asked them, and now it's too late. I hate having these leftover dangling threads...
Reflection
Mocha and August are amazing people and I'm so happy I had the chance to meet them and form memories with them. And they both feel the same about me! Something Mocha was saying a lot toward the end is, in the event they couldn't make a long-term friendship, they at least want everyone to leave with happy memories. Honestly, I'm proud to be special to both of them in a way. Mocha said they rarely meet potential new friends in person, for a number of reasons, and they've been saying I'm different from most people they meet from their stickers. They told me I'd work out, if it wasn't for the situational and conditional problems that prevent me from interacting with all of their needs.
It's also very worth mentioning that M&A are very accepting people. When I say they like me, I think they like all of me. Not once did they complain about my negativity during our big heavy chat. They were more than willing, theoretically, to keep hanging out with me, including my negativity, for the sake of being around me. Even though they don't understand plural stuff, when I told them about Sunny and explained why I say "we", they did their best to understand it, and they never had to ask specifics on it again. There was never any hostility or scorn from Mocha or August, not for a second. I'm genuinely so fortunate to have found them.
Like a week ago, August had messaged me suddenly saying they might need my help with something soon. I perked up and said whatever it is, I'll do it. Later, it turned out that the issue was resolved and they don't need my help anymore. I didn't learn what it was until tonight: August had found a very good deal on a type-R car very close to what they wanted, and they were going to buy it, but it was very far away. Somebody else got it first, in the end. Otherwise, August planned to ask me to drive them 8 hours out to buy this car, then 8 hours back. And you know what? I would have done it. Without a second thought. I'm serious. I took an amazing 2-day trip to Austin with them at the drop of a hat. I would've absolutely done this, because I love them that much. And this is, I believe, the main quality Mocha and August like in me - my willingness to put in effort for them. After wading through a see of nobodies who won't lift a finger for others, they've been so grateful I continued to show up for them.
During our time together, we've always been helping each other, one way or another. Mocha fixed up our R4 card for us, took a pretty extensive look at and research of Sunny's video camera, linked me to a car window tint service, and (accidentally) helped me learn the importance of massaging muscles to ease pain. August helped me with multiple car-related issues, and taught me a lot of extra info about them, like how to use cruise control, and the difference between manual and automatic gear shift. I helped Mocha by exploring site building options with them, helping them get a domain name, and introduced all of us to Signal, the messaging app we used during our time together.
I think the second quality they really liked in me was my "sense of adventure" as Mocha called it. Basically, Mocha and August being there with me acted as a positive force that helped me step out of my comfort zone and try new things. The most obvious of these to me is the beach episode. I let August drive our car - an immense show of trust - and they took us to a beach far away, with almost no one else there. We had our own special little spot, with lots of stuff they brought. I arrived to the beach anxious, for some reason scared of the sound of the waves, and even more scared to touch the sand with my bare feet. But I did it. I'd come all this way to face my fear for these two who I love. Not only did I go barefoot on the beach, I wore a bikini too! (A huge win!) I'd always wanted to do that, but was never brave enough, until now. Mocha and August held my hands and we stood where the waves washed over our feet, and they stood there for a minute with me, just to help me calm down and get used to it. Once I got my feet dirty, I started to open up, and I had a wonderful time. I went from an anxious mess to maybe the most relaxed I've ever been. Mocha was proud of me for facing my fears, and referred to my "sense of adventure" about when I got all giddy and waded as far into the ocean as I could to show off...then got smacked hard by big waves.
Something that stood out to me during our interactions was how they responded to my negativity. I didn't think myself a negative person around the time I met Mocha. But meeting M&A in person really made me question my process for meeting new people. It used to be, years ago, that I'd go over the "trauma checklist" and explain to new friends in detail about all the abuse I've suffered. I thought I moved past that, but any time I had to stop and explain something tied to our family especially, I found myself sucked into a vortex and I just vented and complained. Mocha caught on quick, and expressed discomfort over it. I found that I needed to temper my repeating these stories around them, which was harder than I expected. But tonight, I think I can confidently say I was mostly not negative - the only negativity being some complaints I had with the movie, which, being not abuse-related, is a step up for me.
And something that really sucks is how attached I got to them. They grew fond of me too, but I was in pretty deep. I found myself on some visits hanging on Mocha's every word, trying to learn more about them, because in my eyes, these two lead such fascinating and deep lives that I'd love to hear more about. When I hear Mocha talk about all the people they've sifted through who were unwilling to even meet up with them, I can't help but worry about Mocha, and hope they've found at least some people they can be vulnerable with. When I learned bits and pieces of Mocha's past through our hangouts, I hung on to them fiercely. It's not a parasocial relationship, because Mocha has been right there, but I found myself simultaneously very interested in them and their past, and cautious about it, as if I'm prying, worrying that I shouldn't get too close because I could tell Mocha wasn't ready to be as vulnerable as I'd hope to get them to be. When I confessed all this to Mocha tonight, they chuckled a bit, amused that I'd think their life is storybook material, and to that I said, "to me it is".
You know, losing friends is hard. Really hard. Most of my experience with it has been losing romantic partners, but still, losing people you care about hurts a lot. No matter what you do, you can never prepare for it. Your heart will still cry out for them long after they leave. You'll be reminded of them by mundane objects, or media. Being close to someone, having a dynamic with them, an understanding, having trust with them, especially if it's in-person, then to have it taken away... the way it hurts one's heart is unmatched.
But the other half of that is missing friends long gone. Tonight hurt me, a lot, but once I cried all my tears, I was able to distract myself by writing this post, and I feel stable again, for now. But I know what's coming. Over the next few days, maybe weeks, I'll be thinking of Mocha and August, and how upset and sad I am that we had to go our separate ways. I'll be cursing myself for not doing better, and wishing it didn't have to end this way. I'll look longingly at Signal on our phone, maybe peek at our last chat messages. But there's no helping it. I'll have to be strong, and keep reminding myself that it wasn't my fault, and nothing I could have done would have changed things.
There's this saying, "don't be sad because it's over, smile because it happened." I guess that's going to be my mantra for a while. It's hard to follow this advice when I'm crying over how much I miss them, now that I know I won't get to talk to them in that comfortable, soothing, friendly way, or hear their voices, or tell them what I've been up to, or drive out to meet them somewhere, or get taken on a whim to a brand new place to explore together. But there's another saying, one that I thought of earlier tonight: "it's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all." I can't fully relate to that either. Maybe I have a simplistic way of looking at it, but I'd like my favorite relationships to continue basically as long as I can hold on to them. In most cases, whenever I've "loved and lost", it's been a relationship ending catastrophically, and in about half of those, it would have been better to never have loved at all. I came out as aromantic because me taking things to the "next level" by dating someone always ends in disaster. I've simply decided I don't want to be that "close" to someone ever again. With M&A, that was never on the table, obviously, but I did want to be closer to them than I already was. The problem is that would've screwed with expectations for them.
Let me try and wrap this whole thing up into a neat little bow. What's the big takeaway here, now that I can't talk to them anymore, and am left to my own devices?
Meeting someone new is like taking a leap of faith - you put a lot of trust in them to catch you, to vibe with you enough to suit your needs. You need to trust in your new friends that they'll treat you and your needs seriously. But most importantly, you need to remain hopeful and keep searching for new friends. You need to not be dissuaded by failed friendships, or love come and gone. You can't just give up on making new friends. You need new friends, everyone does, and you might be happier for it.
I could've never met Mocha and August. I could've never had all these amazing, genuinely eye-opening hangouts and visits. I could have never learned the things they taught me, or received the help they gave me. I could have stayed inside my comfortable bubble and never contacted the person on the sticker QR code to begin with. But I posit that you must keep taking chances if you want to meet wonderful people like them.
Goodbye, Mocha and August, and safe travels, to both of you. You've been truly amazing friends and I couldn't be happier for the time we spent together. I'll hang on to these memories forever. I'll miss you both...I already do.
These kind of moments are always really painful for me. You seemed to have so much fun with them. The important part is that those positive memories will never leave you, no matter what.