CW: Venting, depression, helplessness

You may have seen my last post. I talked about my struggles with driving and briefly mentioned how it made me feel (I hit the character limit, haha). But I really wanted to touch on that more.

Oh, and it goes without saying that my meds - antidepressants, antipsychotics, anxiety pills - did nothing to help today. I guess those are more for controlling my baseline than acute incidents? But still.

But something about driving - maybe because it's something so vastly important for adult life here - causes it to seriously get to me when I fail at it. It doesn't just feel like a failure. It feels like I am fundamentally, unchangeably inadequate to my very core, and that me, as a person, is slated to always fail this. Somehow.

And I know that sounds unlikely. And it's gonna turn into a conspiracy theory ish, but hear me out. This is how it feels to be me. It feels like there's some unseen force acting on me that's infinitely stronger than me and will not let me through. I've had this recurring nightmare theme since I was little that, somehow, everything I do is completely wrong and I end up shunned, hated, even hunted and attacked by everyone around me because of it. Often the only thing to do is just freeze totally still and do nothing, but that sometimes gets me yelled at too.

Bringing up nightmares may be reading too much into it. Or it may not be! But it FEELS like it's significant. That's what I'm trying to get across, the feeling. I had these feelings INTENSELY when I failed my DPS test and also today, when I didn't have the best time at driving school. My RSD is absolutely a huge part of this, especially since there was a lot of verbality involved in both. But I think there's something more.

Why do I come out of these feeling hopeless, not just for driving but for basically everything? Feeling like I'm not allowed to be an adult, like all signs are pointing to me remaining helpless. Why do I feel like my mom is "in on it" and is "part of the problem"? I don't know. But I feel these things, I feel them intensely. I have a massive distrust for a lot of adults that's grown out of... whatever this is.

So, what am I supposed to do? In a world where I feel like any efforts to break free from the status norm are met with psychological violence that leaves me sobbing in my room and non-functioning, how am I meant to survive? This has left me very much wishing I did not have RSD. This condition sucks. But so do all my other ones.

And while I'm here, let me just say - my other conditions. My autism, my texture, touch, smell and sound sensitivities, my misophonia, my tendency for migraines, my former physical disabilities, my eating disorders, and everything else. They're why I'm in this mess. And you know what? My mom chastised me for them constantly over the years. And she still does. She acts like they're something I'm doing on purpose to aggravate her, and it pisses her off to no end when I'm suffering because I forgot my earplugs. This is also part of the problem. I've always felt like I'm fundamentally hated, to her, and she will never accept me how I am.

So again, I ask, why me? What did I do to deserve this? Is it just because I'm different?