Wow. It's been a while since I was able to even see my site or blog, let alone write in it. The tech issues I mentioned last time have only continued.

Tech

So I had ordered a few items to upgrade the server box - new SSD, new CPU cooler, PCIe ethernet card. The first one doesn't seem to show up in lsblk. The second one was incompatible with the motherboard. And the last one needed drivers which thankfully I was able to get in the end.
But because I had to stay with the current CPU cooler, I had tried to take it out and put it back in, and... the end result wasn't great. One of the pegs holding it in completely broke off and refused to reattach. No matter what I did, I couldn't get it to sit right. I ended up having to ship my PC off to a repair person who thankfully lives close by.
After a few days of troubleshooting back and forth, and waiting on an order, he installed a new CPU cooler, a Cooler Master, and some new thermal paste. He managed to deduce by running Linux Mint off a flash drive that something about my DietPi installation is causing the internet problems. I ran the same test at home and he was right - even if I left a youtube stream on overnight, the internet functioned perfectly fine.

Today I posted about my case in the DietPi forum. I got a response pretty quickly and decided to play with dietpi-services. As I'm writing this, I just turned off everything in dietpi-services, then rebooted as I realized ssh was off too, and, everything's been stable since the reboot. But it's still only been about an hour. I still fear the worst. But at least I have a lead now. And if I'm lucky, I won't have to buy a new motherboard.

Surgery and health

So, I only have one day left before my next surgery. It's tomorrow, the 19th. I had CT surgery on my right wrist, and now my left wrist. Healing from the former has been... okay. It's slow, and it still looks like a paint palette spilled all over my wrist, with all the bruising. Some basic operations like grabbing and pulling things are still very difficult. But, my wrist pain is extremely lessened, so overall it's still a win! Even with the heightened sensitivity that comes from fixing an intense case of CT.
You might be wondering why I needed two surgeries. Yes, I had carpal tunnel in both wrists. It just kind of ended up that way. It's been years in the making. And while my left wrist was certainly the less intense of the two - apparently my right wrist had a very intense case of CT - it still needs to be fixed, preferably sooner rather than later.

The downside is I'm going to be in a cast again. Wearing a cast... sucks, frankly. I had to have my right paw in a cast for 5 days, and I'll have my left paw in a cast for the same time. It's a good thing I heal fast enough for 5 days to be viable, but still, this time will definitely be harder than the first time since the touch sensitivity on my right wrist is still extremely strong, and it'll be the only paw I can use.

Also side note while I'm here. I was told earlier this year (did you know this will be my 3rd surgery in 2 months? Wow.) that I should absolutely fill up on as much water as I can starting 2 days before surgery, to help make my veins more visible and easy to access, since I have extremely thin veins that always cause nurses problems. I can do this, but it sucks. It hurts, it bloats my stomach, it feels like I'm gonna burst, I have to go pee a lot and for longer. This time I frankly fell behind doing it. I don't know if it'll work. But there's no helping it. I'm sure they'll figure it out on the day of...

Masking

I had something happen recently that really shook me. I won't go into detail now - maybe some other time? - but a significant portion of my life the past few years has been affected by the concept of masking and unmasking. I tried to share the joys of unmasking with a group I'm in. Worth noting that the concept was largely discovered/explored by someone who hurt all of us, so they were very unapproachable to the idea. I got picked apart and seemingly no one cared about my experiences or feelings. I had to discuss, even argue a bit, for a few days, and it came to a head when people asked me to directly list everyone I was uncomfortable around because they mask. Heck, I had to unpack someone's specific mental health stuff, since I could see into their heart and figured out exactly what was going on. It was distressing for them, but me too.

I've been masking since a few weeks ago. Needless to say, with everything combined on top of each other, I've been under a great deal of stress. It totally makes sense why I would mask. But... it's been a bit harder to unmask. I know I have this cycle every month or two, and it always ends with me unmasking again successfully, and feeling so happy and content... I know I have nothing to worry about, and yet, I'm unable to accept the state of masking unless I really need it. It deeply bothers me. I watch myself say and act things that are not 100% emotional and I freak out. Even something minor like slightly pushing a conversational front or wanting to use a funny emote. Making a bad joke or two. I'd really prefer to unmask again and soon, but I also realize this isn't feasible until I get some more stressful things off my plate...

Relationships

I've been softly thinking on and off about leaving some of the friends I've been hanging with for so long. For the reasons mentioned above. Because they mask so much and sometimes so hard, and sometimes they even directly oppose my views and experiences on it. I just don't trust them in the way I trust some of my really close friends. I've had a few chats about this now - the consensus among the people I ask seems to be that, if I do want new friends, I shall absolutely go get them, but it sucks that I'm holding everyone to such a high bar. Well, it's not really my choice, it's only something I feel, you see? I can't control my feelings, just live with them. That's the real me.

At least I do have several really close friends who I can trust with the very deep and personal things. I'm grateful for this and I talk to them every day. It's not even like they had to do anything special, I guess, they just seem naturally more honest, open, and trustworthy. Different people mask different amounts after all, and I think they just do it less. The amount someone masks directly affects how I relate to them, so, people who mask less are more in touch with me.

On that note, I need to mention my girlfriend. Wow. We've known each other and been hovering close to each other for ages - I knew she masked some already, but not super much, and, in a feat I haven't managed to accomplish since, I helped her unmask in a very heartfelt conversation. She started doing it more regularly. We bonded something fierce in that moment. I've never been that close to another person, and felt that safe and comfy. I know I gushed about her already in another post but just, gah.
We're still figuring things out about how close we want to orbit, the rhythm of how we want to talk about our problems, include each other in them, lean on each other... but overall the experience has been extremely, extremely positive. We've even got others shipping us and cheering us on, which feels really cute and nice. :giggle: