Hi. In a lot of pain just to write this but I'd rather put this out there, it's important.

Followup to my previuos two posts. I dared to hope that I would be out of my current bad situation soon. I hoped I could be helped by the spine specialist I was referred to. That my pinched arm nerves could be released and I could resume normal functioning. I was only able to write that post because I had aweek's supply of steroids keeping me going. The doctor who referred me told me it'll keep me stable until my appointment.

Know what I just found out yesterday?

The referral was never fucking sent. I wasted my entire week's supply of the only help I had, waiting for a bunch of inconsiderate, lazy jackasses in a cushy office to actually do their job, which they delayed for over a week. I only found out because I called insurance themselves who had never even received a referral and had no idea what I was talking about.

I was furious. I immediately called my primary care office and asked that they solve this. I was told they'd "mark it high priority" and "tell the referral office to hurry up". Great. I should mention this is not the first time this has happened with this particular office. They've done this crap before. It's infuriating.

Today, I got a call from the spine specialists office. Finally. ANd know what they said? I can have an appointent on April 1st. April!! It's three weeks away! I can barely survive a week and now I'm expected to let myself be disabled another three weeks?!
That's not all. Apparently it's delayed that long because the spine specialist is "taking a two week break to visit the navy," or something. And he only just closed openings for appointments. I missed it, just barely. And the only reason I missed it was because of the crappy referral office at the crappy primary care place I go to. If they'd done their jobs I could've gotten help this week and be free that much sooner.

But no. Because of their laziness, ineptitude and inaction, I have to be out of commission - no code, no games, no blog posts (this is an exception, i'm pushing through the pain), no art, no driving, no physical labor - for a total of a month. It's not fair. This started randomly on February 28th with no warning. When I got looked at they were positive the answer is pinched nerves due to my herniated discs in my neck. And I'm having to wait so long to solve something that's affecting my daily life and leaving me stuck in bed all day.

The mental effects of this have been stupid. On the first few days, I binge watched some reviews of the show Lost on youtube, and had a dream where my bedroom was the underground bunker from lost and I was locked inside and had to keep doing tasks. Skipping some details, it was pretty screwed up. I never dream about current events in my real life unless they deeply affect me. I've been occasionally able to go on the PC - only for the week I was using steroids, mainly, all other times it's a hefty and painful endeavor with pain radiating from my shoulders all the way to my wrists. Like now. I do it a tiny bit but 90% of the time I'm stuck in bed.

As you might expect I spend most of my time sleeping and watching things. Not netflix, not really. Shows and movies aren't really doing it for me right now. I need a big stream of content to divulge in to keep myself occupied while I wait for these lazy fuckers to let me get the medical help I urgently need. During all that time, no fun, no playing games I want to play, no driving to my favorite food getaway, no seeing friends, no fun filled calls. Pain hurts your mental and emotional health too, you know. It's harder to feel like myself recently or generally "be happy" or be joyful. I feel like I'm even more of a prisoner in my own body than usual, and my arms are the chains. Sometimes just bending my elbow or shoulder wrong sends huge jolts of pain that radiate everywhere. I can't even stretch my arms safely.

I had been trying to finish a figura commission - not a real commission, just a model I'm making for myself to see if I still have the skills and patience. and I do. The problem is again, the pain. Switching between keyboard and mouse as rapidly as I need to do is debilitating for my wrists and arms. Hell,, even typing all of this at once isn't safe enough and I feel like there's something missing from my wrists and arms thats making it worse. Anyway, it was very disheartening to only work on that model while I had steroids, and now be completely barred from it for another 3 weeks just because of stupid logistics for stupid people.

Anyway, other details and news...

since before the pinched nerves suff started, I had my mom order a new graphics card for my pc. From amazon. It go tsotlen or something and didn't arrive. She requested help but didnt get any for a few weeks. She ordered another one which also didn't arrive. We're trying to work out what to do. Today she told me I could find a different card, so I found one thats slightly stronger and has more selling options. Here's hoping it actually arrives... not that I'll even be able to install it until my arms are back.

I made a new friend several days ago. She's really nice. A trans girl who saw me on github and just thought I seemed cool and wanted to be around me. We vibe together pretty well so far and I want to actually get to call her and get to know her. But she's very busy, and I'm very emotionally unwell. I'm still happy to try - always - and its something to look forward to.

The last thing is more personal... again, not saying who it is, but things with my girlfriend are going very well. She just got back from being away from home for an extended time, and immediately we've been calling all day every day on discord. She's super nice and comforting and listening to and watching her nerd out over silly tech and linux stuff is... refreshing and calming in a way. sometimes im even able to help her research or test stuff. We explore some things that look or feel good together. We shrae a lot of laughs and comfort. At first I was very tense trying to make sure our calls were exactly right, but, she taught me I've been too much of a perfectionist and its okay to just let go and enjoy being calm around her.

Today in particular waas an extremely rough day for her and I supported her as best I could. I was delighted when she told me just being here helped her a lot. IT was intense, it was strenuous, it was scary, but the thing is we faced it together, like a team, which is something i can't say was the case for any previous partners of mine. There wasnt a single second where I felt we were on opposing sides here. She had to shout and rant a bit about work, but it was never at me, and... though i got scared for a moment or two, it was quickly replaced with comfort, knowing she's here, she exposes her hurts to me because she trusts and loves me, and... theres a certain genuineness to it that makes it worth it.

In a way it's good that thi sis happening during my pinched nerves stuff. Since we've been calling all day, i've been waking up before or around the time she does, and going to bed within a few hours of her, and calling her provides ample stimulation, entertainment and comfort to get me through the day. yesterday we had a really fun 13 and a half hour call with lots of videos, youtube, talking about stuff, fun stories, generally just calming down and spacing out and being ourselves together.

I'm hoping to see her later this year, after I get help with everything. I already got a passport. And we can afford to buy me a flight there and back. I'm hoping to stay between a week and a half to two weeks. It'll be amazing, comfy, happy, blissful, full of love and softness and comfort and... I just really look forward to it. Despite all the pain and anguish we're both going through, we're still first and foremost a team, best friends, interested in the same things and dealing with our problems together. i get joy from helping her and she takes comfort from being around me - theres still a bit of wiggle room to figure out how much i'm comfortable leaning on her, but i'm sure it'll be fine. she's been nothing but great so far.