Hi all. pushing through the pain once again to write this.

This time, thankfully, there's only a bit of bad news, as opposed to a whole heaping pile of it. I have plenty of good news for you this time!

The bad news:

• It is most likely not nerve pinching like we thought. My symptoms match up closer with ulnar tunnel syndrome, which is basically carpal tunnel but in your elbows. Of course, it's in both arms.
  • This is bad because fixing my neck won't fix my pain. It will need separate treatment
• This could be just him but - when he was doing tests on my arms he pointed out I'm extremely sensitive and a lot of things were painful that shouldn't be. He suspects I might still have CRPS in my arms.
  • For context I had CRPS type 1 in my legs in my late teens, which seemed to go away on its own, and earlier this year I had CRPS type 2 in both arms, both caused by the same nerve that was being pinched by my carpal tunnel.
• He's ordered a nerve conduction test to verify my ulnar tunnel syndrome. This needs to be done under anesthesia. So I'm essentially going for surgery again.
  • Don't know if this will be expensive. Thanks to mom money isnt an issue right now. I'd prefer to skip this test because I believe he's right. But I still gotta...
• I don't have an estimate yet on when to expect my appointments or treatments.
  • Of course it always comes back to scheduling. I can only hope and pray they dont schedule it another month away.

The good news:

• He will be treating my neck. I will be getting cortisol injections (unsure how many) in my near future. They should treat my herniated discs and slide them back into place (I dont know if it's all discs or just one, but he only pointed out C5-C6)
  • This is really nice because I was worried sick expecting he would send me to PT. When I told him I went to PT last year and it was overwhelming, he understood and opted for cortisol injection instead.
• He said he'd put in a word for me about my possible CRPS. This means I can be treated for that (if it's indeed true) without worrying about calling my primary care doctor or getting more referrals.
• The fact I'll be put under anesthesia for the nerve conduction test. You have no idea how big a relief that is.
  • When other doctors described nerve conduction tests to me, they explained it would be done while I was awake. This is a huge problem because the test involves sticking you with needles directly in your nerves and sending electrical current through them. It'd be extremely painful. So being offered anesthetic for this is extremely welcome.
  • For the record my wrist doctor suggested a nerve conduction test too, but didnt offer anesthetic. He told me it'd tell us for sure whats wrong with my arms. Looks like he was right!
• Because these treatments are ordered by the doctor himself, theres no more scheduling or referral bs, I just have to make the appointments and show up.
  • Assuming they're soon, maybe I can even make a recovery this month?

More good news (not related to today)

• I received 3 new meds. A mood stabilizer, a "sleeping pill", and adhd meds.
• The mood stabilizer is lamictil, 25mg
  • I take it when I go to sleep. If I'm not mistaken it's helping a LOT. I havent been diagnosed with bipolar but, believe me, i believe its a possibility. the last few weeks I've been rapidly alternating between highs in the day and extreme lows at night. I've been having pleasant, calm days, and the night has eviscerated me and left me scared, alone, suicidal. So yes, since this med removes the latter, it's helping
• The "sleeping pill" is doxepin, 10mg
  • The bad news is, while it was prescribed for sleep, it is functionally useless for sleep, as it only helps with staying asleep, not falling asleep, which is my problem.
    • Thanfully I discovered if I take enough benadryl I can sleep easier. Ive been taking 3 a night. It helps so far? I'm surprised i never stuck with this before...
  • But it does do two other things. First, it's a tricyclic antidepressant. That means the benefits of an antidepressant without the mind numbing zombifying effects of SSRIs.
  • Second, it's used to treat nerve pain. How lucky, I was prescribed this while I'm going through intense nerve pain!
• The ADHD med is Vyvanse, 30mg.
  • Probably the most significant one. I've only been on it for two days but the changes are... interesting. First of all I've almost completely stopped zoning out/spacing out. I usually get lost in daydreams for stupid amounts of time, and while doing other things. That seems to have vanished.
  • second, the focus... its, um. so. i usually have problems focusing on something for a long time. it's like... most of my brain fog has simply disappeared. in its place i find nothing keeping me from talking up a storm. for the past 2 days i've been

    yapping

    to talk at great length

    about special interests to my friends, but way more intense than usual, and for longer. at first i was scared im losing myself in the process. but i think now its ok.
  • time blindness. did you know ADHD causes time blindness? well, now i dont have time blindness. so. time is passing in real time for me now, instead of me blinking and an hour has passed. so far the rate is like... i feel 3x as much time shouldve passed as actually did.
  • changing focus is really weird. actually shifting to another task is tough. like making dinner last night. I had to amass a mountain of willpower to get out of bed - and then making dinner was laughably easy. like I was on autopilot. like, i wonder if it's this easy for neurotypicals to do things. aside from the "changing focus" part. i'm legitimately not used to this. i love how easy individual tasks feel now but. i have to try a lot harder to change what i'm doing? if that makes sense?
• i dont know which med is doing it, or all, but... past two nights, the combination of everything has made sleep WAY better. you have no idea. now i feel... nice? soft? under my covers? and, closing my eyes, trying to rest... doesnt feel hopeless anymore? I still have to wait, but for less.
  • I was having intense breakdowns almost every night about sleeping. i'd been having insomnia so bad i could only fall asleep after 3 hours of tossing and turning. my sleep may not be perfect now, but still, 20 minutes ish to fall asleep is way preferable to 3 hours.

Oh, and

One more bad news

• Hey remember how I need glasses? about that. it turns out my glasses give me a compression headache and I can't wear them. if youre a glasses wearer you probably think i sound insane. I don't know why it works this way, but, ive always had this problem where even a bit of pressure on my ears causes me a great deal of pain, especially migraines that last. ive always been unable to wear headphones since i was little, no matter the shape or size. and i can't wear Loop Earplugs because their weird plastic loop shape causes pressure and pain in my ears that... leaves me in so much pain.
  • well, a few days ago i discovered i was getting a big migraine that was worse when my glasses were on. however, it didnt go away when i took them off. it lasted another ~6 hours until i fell asleep. it was intense and painful. i still dont know what happened but, i've been avoiding my glasses since. And that's seemed... okay? I still have a few migraines the last few days but, i dont believe its as bad as the glasses one. it's... weird.
  • i know im supposed to call the doctor about this. i had planned to yesterday. but with the way my focus is now... i couldnt bring myself to change focus to do it. maybe part of me didnt want to undergo the stress, but thats so much harder to do with my adhd meds. so i haven't called yesterday or today. i'll call tomorrow. i'll try. Maybe? It's not worth getting upset over that I'm late

Wow, okay thats a lot of words. I typed so much. Like I said I have a lot more focus now. Usually if I tried to write something like this I'd be taking so many pauses and breaks it wouldn't happen until hours later. This is so strange. Being able to commit to writing this much? As if I've always wanted to say this much.

Anyway I know there hasnt been much emotion in this update, youll just have to deal with that for now. I'm softly testing the waters on how much emotion is left in me while I'm on ADHD meds. i would like to think I haven't changed in that regard but - maybe I'm just yappier now?

I haven't been able to code or do much tech stuff in so long. I started changing to another linux distro but that's not much, and its practically already over. When I do finally get better, I'm going to have a field day fixing so many problems with my site, problems with my avatars I need to update, finish my current avatar. I've been having some occasional tech issues with my wifi acting up at home? So I kept my server off a lot, but I don't know if that helps. If thats the case I might need my gf to help me protect my site from traffic taking down my home wifi.

What would yall be interested in seeing on my blog? I know it's been 90% health updates the past several months. Maybe discussions of other topics? Goals? Dream journaling? in fact I'd love to see people just use the comment function on my posts... but as far as I'm aware almost no one knows it exists, or cares?