CW for medical trauma

Okay, fuck. Okay. Fuck. Again. I need to get this out. I need to get this out right now.

I wrote about the medical trauma I lived through in my late teens in another post, but it goes further than that. For as long as I can remember, my body has not been right. Something has been wrong with it. I was always hyper-sensitive to touch.

Everything hurt.

In elementary school, it was so unbearable that I got into fights. And even in my youth, years and years of abuse, neglect. Being told by my family that all my sensitivities are in my head. That I'm "just sensitive". That I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I was told this by gym teachers, by staff, by other children, by my family. Nobody cared.

I had constant nurse visits throughout my school life. In middle school, I had to go home sick frequently. The dickhead gym teacher turned on loud music that hurt my autism, refused to do anything to accommodate, and anytime I complained of pain, I was told, it's fine, everyone else is fine, I'm making a big deal. In high school it got worse. I was missing class so many times because of how sick, debilitated, exhausted, pained I got from just physical activity that I almost was expelled.

About that medical trauma I mentioned, I, during that, looked up fibromyalgia. Fibromyalgia is a syndrome that causes unexplained, constant pain, a dull ache across your entire body, extreme sensitivity to touch, everything hurting, all sleep being restless, fatigue, exhaustion, cold limbs, less grip strength.

I sought a diagnosis for years. The problem is the health system. If you do any research into fibromyalgia support groups, you will rapidly come across stories of neglect, of doctors saying patients are imagining the pain, being sent to absurd outpatient locations, being treated as if they were making it up. It's not just me. It's never just been me. This is a systemic problem. And it affects so many more people than just me.

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Anyway, back to the present. In the post I linked above, I mentioned recently I was told I might have fibromyalgia. Obviously I've heard this many times before and nobody believed me. I was lucky this time, maybe, that I got a direct referral to a rheumatologist. Well, I just saw that rheumatologist today. We had a visit. He did a physical examination. He confirmed it is fibromyalgia. There is no doubt.

This is surprising to say the least. The reality of it hasn't sunk in yet. Due to years of repression, I will have to heal the pain of being neglected by the system another time. But right now, in the present, he is giving me higher doses of Gabapentin to help.

But the real pain and the real reason I'm writing this post is this.

One of my best friends sent this to me today after I mentioned Fibromyalgia. I haven't seriously thought about fibromyalgia or its symptoms in years, but everything described here is accurate. Exactly the same. Down to the cold hands.

I looked up the causes of fibromyalgia and I found this page.

Something stood out to me:

Symptoms often begin after an event, such as physical trauma, surgery, infection or significant psychological stress

I put two and two together, and then it hit me.

I think I know what caused my fibromyalgia.

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CW for bodily harm, injury, parental abuse, neglect

I don't know what specifically it was, but what I have here is a range of possible things that could have caused it.

1. Nose injury

Read about it here. The gist is that at about three years old I fell off a tricycle and smashed my face in the pavement. My nasal cavities and sinuses were seriously damaged. This led to years and years of complications and surgeries.

2. Chin injury

When I was about 5 or 6 years old, actually in school at the time, I raced a friend on my bicycle back home. I went way too fast. I flew over the handlebars. When I landed, I felt a slight pain in my chin.

(CW: gore) I couldn't find my chin. I reached for it and couldn't find it. I touched something hard and stiff. When I pulled my hand out, it was covered in blood.

I was immediately taken to the emergency room. My memories are foggy after that. All I know is my chin had to be rebuilt. I somehow have never had any complications with it after that. Also, strangely, I remember that they did not use stitches. They used some other method.

I suspect this is not it, because it is the latest. My memory is foggy, but I believe I had the pain before this memory.

3. Thrown

Sometime before I was about 5 years old, I was physically harmed by my father. I have strong visual and sensory memories of this. I did something, something wrong. I didn't know what. But my father became enraged. He chased me in circles at full sprint around the house and of course he caught me. When he did, he grabbed me in his hands and I felt extreme pain, like I was being crushed from all angles. He took me upstairs like this. He tossed me, physically threw me across the room, onto my bed. He shouted "good night" and slammed the door. I was left there alone for hours as some kind of punishment.

He did this twice.

4. Squeezed

Another very vivid memory from before I even went to preschool. I know that I was having trouble sleeping and my father was staying in my bedroom at night trying to help me sleep by sleeping with me. The problem is one specific night. I had to go to the bathroom. I tried to get up, but he saw and stopped me. He physically restrained me with his arm and rolled over onto his side. He used all of his body weight to keep me there. Again, I felt I was being crushed all around me. I screamed for help. Mom came to the door. As I was crying, she stood in the doorway and just watched. She didn't do anything. I was there screaming for a while. I don't remember anything after that.

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If this is true, then... I don't even know. I'm 24 years old now. I have been living with fibromyalgia for my entire life. I can't recall a single memory without it. There was no one event that broke me. It's always been this way. I've always believed there was something fundamentally wrong with me and it was always all my fault for somehow not getting it. Both in an autism sense and this sense.

If it really was from my parents, I don't even know what I could do. I don't know how I would cope. My father passed away. There's no way I could even talk to him now. And in the years since this treatment, my mother has done nothing but excuse him. She claims he was "just stressed". In fact, it was my fault for keeping them awake at night. I was less than four years old. This might just be my opinion, but I think she should have left him immediately when she saw it.

What do I do now? All I can do is hope the Gabapentin I've been given will help me. I've been given enough for six months, apparently. I need to take 100 milligrams in the morning and at night and slowly increase. Apparently having a high, high concentration in my system can help with fibromyalgia.

But still, fuck. The revelation that all of this could have been avoided...hasn't hit me yet. And especially if it really was my parents' fault...then it hasn't turned into anger yet, but it will.

I guess, um, anyone who has a suspicion on which of these might have caused it, let me know. Leave a comment.