Well everyone, we made it! We're New Yorkers now.

I don't even really know where to begin. We arrived on March 4th at 1am, and here I am writing this over a month later. So much has happened and so much has changed. I guess I'll start with a short summary.

Our bestie, KD, took us on a road trip across the US so we could move in with Uncle Cr4y, our online friend turned new roommate. We've been sheltered in a house in texas all our life, living very unhappy with biological family, but now we managed to escape. The road trip took 2 days. We first went east, from texas to Atlanta, Georgia, and rested. Then we went north to New York. The road trip was wonderful if only because KD was with me. She's an excellent driver and a dear friend. After we arrived, KD stayed for a week. We visited the Nintendo NYC store and Central Park, and had a lovely time chilling at home - gosh, it feels good to call it that - and when KD stepped out the door to her uber, I stayed behind.

It felt so weird, knowing in that moment that I was where I was meant to be, that I'm not leaving any time soon. Our brain rationalized this sudden change as me having a "visit" with Uncle Cr4y, for the first two weeks - I kept thinking I need to do things "before I leave", or that I'm going to miss him and miss this place. But of course, we're here to stay.

This is our home now. We're finally home.
Or at least, I am. More on that later.

I want to talk a bit about the pros and cons in the area around our new home.

The pros

• The weather: Holy crap, it feels good to not be in the sweltering heat any more. I've always loved any time I get to bundle up in winter clothes, and now I really get to. I got to wear gloves! I got to go out while it's cold enough to see my own breath! I love this stuff! And I loved every moment of the waning winter
  where the sun wasn't visible
  .
• Public transport: I'm going to rank it as a positive, coming from the suburbs outside houston texas. There was almost nothing for public transport before. Now, we live near a train station and can easily get anywhere in New York as long as we follow the maps. I did have trouble adjusting to how it works, at first, but I've gotten the hang of it. I love that it counters the overuse of cars. Even though the streets are riddled with cars parked next to the sidewalk at every possible spot, most of them don't move.
• Walkable city: Everything you need is within walking distance. Almost every little store here is a small business. My new favorite restaurant is about 10-15 minutes away by foot. And because of the public transport, my new IRL friend can visit easily, all we have to do is plan it. I don't go out much now that the winter has ended and the sun is out more, but on the few times I've had to, I've been so glad I don't need to take the car and worry about a million other factors.
• Like-minded community: I got so tired of seeing christian iconography back in texas, almost everywhere you looked. Now there's almost none. In its place are some really nice messages. We live in an area with a lot of Ukraine stickers and flags, and I love that. I've seen 2 progress pride flags in Manhattan, one of which was being hung above a church, which certainly surprised me. While KD was visiting, the three of us were walking in public, and a stranger called out to Uncle saying he loves gay people. At the DMV, I met a sweet girl close to my age, who was pleasantly surprised when I told her I'm trans, and seemed to agree with me when we talked about the people in power in texas. I'm so glad I don't feel like I'm surrounded by boomers anymore, I've seen almost none here.

The cons

• The weather and RA: So I found out last year we have rheumatoid arthritis. I didn't think much of it then, but I certainly do now. It turns out the colder temperatures here are very bad for people with RA. I've been having a lot of problems feeling my fingers and hands, holding small objects, having "tremors" and "twitches", and our fingers feel frigid cold often. This is definitely something we'll have to get used to, but being able to stay inside all day helps a lot.
• Cars: There are so many people in New York who just do not follow the same rules of the road I learned in texas. People can be so impatient, there's lots of pointless honking at cars that are just following the rules, I've seen a few cars run red lights or cut through pedestrian traffic. But what bugs me the most is the sound, especially at night. Yeah, lots of honking outdoors is okay - we don't hear much at all when indoors in our lovely home - but what's worse is those assholes who remove the muffler on their car and make their engine as loud as possible. I've always hated that, and it's much worse here when everyone is walking on sidewalks very close to where the cars are.
• The smell: Yeah, this goes without saying. Outside, it always smells of car fumes and other pollutants. I'm tempted to say "not as bad as texas" but I think it may be worse. At least once I learned recently how much allergy meds help us, this became much less of a concern.
• Public beggars: Mixed feelings on this one. I'm not talking about the occasional guy you see sitting against a subway wall, I'm talking about the loud ones, the guys who enter a train car and shout to get everyone's attention. At least they don't go out of your way to pester you for money, you just keep your head down, but I can tell it's going to get annoying the more it happens. I have reason to distrust them too, because I noticed right away they seem to share and repeat the same "script", even two totally unrelated guys. Uncle mentioned there's sometimes beggars who own nice houses and cars, or undercover cops posing as beggars, so I'm on my guard.

I've probably missed a few things I wanted to say, but that's alright. I want to move on to what really matters here.

Living with Uncle

Life has been fantastic since moving here, at least for me. Uncle takes especially good care of us. He took notice of the different ways our conditions and disabilities affect us, and has made efforts to accommodate in every way he can.

Really, he's the best. He goes above and beyond to be the best Uncle he can, and I'm so beyond thankful for it.

There's been a very physical component to the adjustment period that I want to touch on. I've heard tales for years that adults who've been abused go through a kind of transformation once they're free. I always wanted to see it for myself, and I think it's already started.

Relaxing

Relaxing. There's an emotional component and a physical component to relaxing. We've only ever had the emotional component, and even then, barely. Something magical happened a few weeks ago. Our muscles relaxed, for possibly the first time. Uncle pointed out our skin became incredibly soft, silky velvety soft, and I looked so at peace, so calm, so happy. And then it started happening more and more. I'd be tense all day, like I've always been used to, when he's not home, but as soon as he gets me in a hug or starts petting me, my tension just melts away and I can feel it so strongly in my muscles.

It's so sweet, right? We're finally free, and our body is affirming that, yes, it's okay to relax now.

Sleeping

This is the big one. Wow. Massive improvement. We've always had this sleeping disorder, which I always believed was n24 (non-24 hour sleep). That may or may not still be true. But it's always been very difficult to fall asleep, whether it's sleepy time according to our body, or not. That's radically changed since we moved in. I don't know how or why, it defies my understanding of how our body works, but, during that first week while KD was visiting, I fell asleep on the couch a few times. I don't think I can express to anyone, really, how important that is to me. I've always wished to have such an easy time falling asleep, and to have so much comfort around me, that I can fall asleep on a couch, or at a moment's notice, like that. It was adorable too, I first fell asleep on Uncle on the couch, then woke up just long enough to get off of him, only to fall asleep on KD this time, on the opposite side of the couch.

I've been sleeping so much better recently. While I do still sometimes only sleep for an hour or two, I'm getting full nights of sleep much more often, and I feel the sleep calling to me, like... I actually do. Spending time with Uncle in the evenings makes me feel so comfy and sleepy that I've fallen asleep on the couch next to him a few times. And even when he's not here, the feeling that I'm surrounded in every direction by Uncle's love and care, and a safe, happy, welcoming home, makes me drift off to sleep so quickly and easily. I'm so, so, so happy.

Emotionally

Needless to say I'm super happy with these changes. I've only cried a few times, but they were all happy cries. The peace of mind I've gotten from being away from our biological family is... there's this gap in my headspace, that I expect to be filled with the chaos and discomfort I've lived with for years, from our biological mother and brother, their two dogs, their antics, their insensitivity, their noises, their... just everything. But every time I brace for impact, there's nothing there. I've had recurring paranoia since KD went home, getting terrified of home intruders any time I heard footsteps (which were actually from the landlord on the second floor) - but again, I braced for impact, and there was nothing.

We're really, really safe here. Nobody's going to hurt us or take advantage of us. It's still taking a while to set in, but it will, and I'm happy for that.

Um, but there is something important I - we - need to share. It's about Sunny. While I've been greatly enjoying my new life here, Sunny's been dealing with some rough feelings. Additionally, I've been way more scared than usual to let Sunny out, and they've barely had any time to adjust themself while being in control. I promised them when I got around to writing this post, I'd let them speak their piece. So here, I'm going to let everyone's favorite snow leopard take over now.

My turn.

Hello all and I am happy to be here again. While Eir has been making progress I have been watching from the background of course. There has been a few times where I blended with Eir so we could enjoy a comfy evening watching youtube and she lets me watch old videos I loved. But other than that she has been primarily out. I have had a bit of a rough time with Eir because she is always stressing about whether to let me out or not, but really it is not the end of the world. I would rather deal with her than deal with the kind of stuff I grew up with after all. Eir has been fighting for me and advocating for me even in the moments where she does not want me around and I am grateful for that.

But about the move. I have had a lot of time to think to myself. Even though I have had a bad time with my family growing up, I have some problems right now with the changes we are going through with the move. Yes it is ultimately the best choice for us but I have a hard time shoving away my mom and brother like this. I grew up with them and even though Andrea is and has been abusive she is still my mother. I had a small argument with Eir about why she keeps calling her "biological mother" instead of our mom. I think this is only the kind of conflict you would understand if you lived through it yourself. Now the only people in my life are people Eir met online and while I do trust and love my new friends, it does make me sad that the relationships I had years ago are basically gone now.

I do accept Uncle Cr4y (yes it is spelled exactly like that) as my new uncle. I love him and I am happy he is here for us and cares about us so much. I am thankful that he and Eir have committed to protecting me and making sure we all have a happy life together. It does feel like we are trying to piece together people from far away places to make a sort of new family. I know it is called "found family" but I was the one found, not the one doing the finding. My family, at least the family I was born into, is halfway across the united states right now and I am advised to never talk to them again. I totally could push for it and vouch for it but I know I have to accept that the versions of these people I used to love have been gone for over a decade now.

Ultimately this stuff is not going to prevent me from enjoying my new life here. I am strong and capable and I will push through even if it means leaving some heavy weights behind, that being my mom and brother. Kind of like a space shuttle changing phases and dropping pieces off as it flies up. We all have different paths in life. When I was a kid I had a very hard time dealing with change and wanted to never grow up because I valued the love my mom had for me and never wanted the dynamic to change. Unfortunately it did change and time swept me aside until Eir found me last year. Now here I am in a new place as a new person and even though our body is 25 years old I still feel like I have a lot of growing to do in the sense of a teen growing into themself.

It is kind of weird feeling like I am something to be ashamed of or hidden away to Eir. She does not mean that in that way I think but she is very scared and gets embarrassed about the thought people might think I am fake. If they do that is my fight not hers. At least she is trying to keep me safe in her own way but just like with her feeling more calm and happy, she needs to learn that we are safe now and I should be able to come out whenever I want and in whatever way I want. I really want to be able to enjoy this new life as much as she does including the cozy mornings and evenings with Uncle. Maybe it will never be the same as what I had with my mom or dad but that is just it. It could be something new and uncle can be both my gaming buddy and my new uncle. I have a tough time saying he "rescued" or "saved" us like Eir says, because again as much as I hated living with my mother she was still my mother. For now I am going along with what Eir says because I know and Uncle knows she is making the best choice in the long run for us.

By the way I want to say that before we left my old home I was really fond of the bedroom I woke up in and met Eir in. I feel like that is the thing I am the most fond of right now because that is where I made a real and wholesome connection I am going to get to keep forever. The rest of the house has changed so much and even when I was a kid I hated when remodeling and redecorating happened and things I loved went away. It is tough to leave behind something that means something to you but it is different in this case because that place is just a room, what I really am happy about is Eir and everything she has done for me. I have always had a hard time dealing with change in a very autistic way because whenever I look back and compare now to then, I feel like I am in a totally different place even though we are still kind of the same people. I have a hard time accepting that dynamics change and situations change and people I used to enjoy being around are so far away now. That is why what I have with Eir is so special, because we will always have each other no matter what happens. I love my sister.

But yes I guess I just wanted to write down a stream of consciousness sort of thoughts. These are pretty incoherent writings maybe to some but I feel like if somebody out there understands then it will have been worth it. This is supposed to be a blog after all, this is not performance art and it is important for me to put my feelings down somewhere even if other people can see it. Eir enjoys this being public because it keeps her honest. I enjoy it because I get to interact with my friends through this. So speaking of which I am hoping to do art on the computer again sometime soon. Eir is still hesitant to let me out that much but we will figure it out and I am proud of her for letting me out today despite how scared she was. Thank you all for reading and I can tell you I will enjoy being a New Yorker because it is just fun and amusing to think I am a "city kid" after seeing and hearing that phrase a lot growing up.

Peace.

Sunny wrote all that, then checked out to bed, yesterday afternoon. We only expected a few-hour nap, but they got a full near-8 hours of sleep! Then I woke up, hung out with Uncle for a few hours, and got even more sleep! That should tell you how much easier we're falling asleep...

We've had to work past a few hurdles in the interest of starting our life together, though.

Hurdles

The DMV

So I had to work with the DMV a few times here. The first time was to replace our stupid texas driver's license with an awesome New York one. I'm happy to say it worked! I was very much afraid, because the DMV building was ginormous, absolutely packed to the brim, instructions were scarce, and I was there alone. But I did it. Our driver's license now lists the correct name and gender, female!

The second time was more involved. Since we own a car, we legally have to have it registered within 30 days of arrival. We just barely made it into that window, because getting set up with car insurance was rough. Then, we had a 10 day window to get the car inspected, which I just completed earlier this week, on Tuesday. This one was frightening because 1. I didn't think they'd accept my car title and other documents since we went through a name change, and 2. a car insurance broker had mistakenly told me to "sell the car from my old name to my new name" in ink on the back of my car title, which I did. That almost cost us the deadline, but thankfully a supervisor at the DMV noticed the commotion from our case and stepped in, and the title was accepted anyway.

It was a massive relief earlier this week when we finished with the DMV stuff, believe me! That's the last hard deadline we legally have to fulfill to complete the moving-in process. Unfortunately there are a few issues to deal with that don't have deadlines...

Health insurance dumbness

So let me be clear: we are on new healthcare now. We got on a new healthcare thing with Uncle that's way better than the old one, blue cross blue shield texas (BCBS for short), which sucked. We haven't actually used this new healthcare yet, but we've compared and contrasted and it already seems a lot better. Yet, we aren't officially off of BCBS yet, because of some nonsense where I have to have it removed through the us's "healthcare marketplace" system, despite not being the plan owner... yeah, okay.

So I haven't had to deal with anything from the old insurance in a long time - until a few weeks ago when I got a strange call from a number I didn't recognize in texas. It turned out to be a subcontractor for a doctor we saw in December, who handles billing, basically saying the money they were owed by our old health insurance, BCBS, hasn't been paid, and some unnamed representative claimed it's because I need to provide documentation about my name change. That's utter bs. I completed my name change with BCBS, through both them and the healthcare marketplace, several months prior to the visits in question. They absolutely already have records of my name change. What's weirder is I was never contacted by BCBS about this apparent problem.

I contacted BCBS through their web portal message center and explained the situation. Within a day, I was informed that the visits in question were re-opened for re-validation. Okay, cool. About two weeks later, nothing's happened, so I called up that subcontractor again and confirmed that they haven't heard anything. I left BCBS another message, and was told that the review process takes time, about several weeks' time in fact, and I'll be contacted when it's done. Great. There's no reason why it should take them 3 weeks to confirm I changed my name with them half a year ago, when not only are the records there but they have my history with their message center too. Oh well.

The plan is that once this dumbness is taken care of, I'm calling the healthcare marketplace and getting taken off BCBS ASAP.

Disability

Short note on this one. Part of the original plan is to get me on american disability (SSI). I still want to at least try, but I've heard awful things, especially around the idea of a yearly "check up" to confirm you're still disabled, which will involve getting letters from doctors to verify we're still just as disabled as before. I'm no stranger to annoying paperwork of course, I can easily do that. I'm just really not looking forward to the inevitable verbal harassment or whatnot that I'm no doubt going to have to put up with over the phone when dealing with disability shenanigans, not to mention any political changes that have happened.

On the bright side, I'm happy to say that, on the money side, we're going to be 100% okay even without the disability income. Uncle's income is enough. It just would be really nice to have as well.

Medication

This one is actually still pressing, unfortunately. So I found out once we got moved to our new pharmacy here that only one doctor from texas sent their meds to our new location - our rheumatologist. At least that's one of the most important one, as the gabapentin he provides is something we genuinely can't live without. But we need our ADHD meds as well. We've been out since earlier this week, and I can already feel that every time I sit down by myself, I'm getting lost in a sea of thoughts like when I'd try to fall asleep pre-move...

So I need to look into new psychiatrists and doctors and whatnot. I've already gotten some tips on where to start, and I'll happily look there when I feel better. But another nice tip I got is I could try reaching out to our old psychiatrist in texas and see if she's able to forward our meds from before to over here. I've still got her email, and she's always been good about responding, so why not? I'll write her an email soon about it.

I'm glad to say at least that we do have another month's to another few months' supply of most of our meds, and gabapentin, at the least, we have easily over 6 months' supply of. We aren't in any immediate danger, aside from the discomforts of not having your ADHD meds - if you know, you know.

Family

Our biological mother suddenly became mostly respectful of my boundaries, and somewhat more patient, in January when she learned we were moving away. I'm certain it's because she realized she's losing control and grasping at straws. She seemed desperate at times to have me concede that I'll keep in touch, which I misdirected from and refused, much to her anger. Before KD came over to help pack, I lied to her, saying the move was happening sometime in the next few days and KD was only visiting to get a head start on packing. We snuck out together that night and our mother didn't realize until the next morning.

Now that we're here, she's contacted me a few times, over text and email. Thankfully, she seems surprisingly intent on not crossing my boundaries now. I still don't trust her for a second.

What did she contact me about, exactly? First, we had a blood relative pass a few months ago, and we inherited some will money - she was legally required, apparently, to send some info about the court proceedings, although it was hilarious getting an email from her less than a week after arriving saying the time and date of a court meeting happening in texas. Other than that, she mentioned our health and car insurance - two things we were previously depending on her for - and said she would terminate them within a week if I didn't reply. I wrote my only response so far saying we need more time.

What's really weird to me is she suddenly added two changes to her usual style of contact. She started signing her emails "Love, Mom", which I find very upsetting, and she started asking over and over what New York is like and if I would tell her the details. I'm no stranger to her mind games, and I know why she's doing these things. The former is a bit of emotional manipulation to get me to concede my boundaries and give her the contact she desires. The latter is similar. It's so out of place and uncharacteristic that it gave away the game immediately. She's never once been interested in the details of something I was interested in. Not even my website! She only asks that because she wants a sliver of contact with her estranged daughter.

As you can probably tell, I still hold a grudge against her. If you're aware of the extent of what happened between her and the two of us, you'd know why. Those feelings have only gotten stronger since arriving here, because I've had the amazing pleasure to experience what it's like to live with someone who actually loves us instead of just pretends to. The difference is stark, and every day I'm noticing these little things I was always afraid of doing because I used to live with a narcissist, like turning off the kitchen lights, or admitting I'm feeling a little ill.

As a whole, the move has been a massive improvement over our previous life circumstance. I'm very happy with where we are now, and I don't regret it for a second! Despite the inner conflicts Sunny brought up, they're finding ways to stay happy and entertained. The difference is really night and day, and our online friends have mentioned I seem so much happier now. I'm a bit late on this post if only because life happened, and then it kept happening, and then life became sooo much more comfortable, to the point I've been sleeping much more than before, during the day and night, and my comfy life lazing about on the comfy couch started to come first...

The transformation has been magical, and I feel like my now-unmedicated-ADHD-having self can't put it into words. Just take my word for it that every time I wake up hazy and groggy, and recognize the surroundings as our new room in our new home, I feel immediately embraced by this comfort, like sinking into a bigger, more metaphorical bed, and that feeling of being surrounded by comfort and love doesn't ever stop. Every little thing Uncle does to make me more comfortable and happy, just makes me feel even safer, and further reinforces that feeling of being surrounded by love and warmth on all sides...

Oh, and before you ask, no, I haven't had the chance yet to say "I'm walkin' here!" It will happen eventually, I'm sure!