You already know what I'm referencing. The news was devastating, greatly distressing, and sickening. Several of my friends had anxious spirals and lost control. I ended up taking a few naps to sleep through the worst of it. It still doesn't feel real. It still doesn't feel like that just happened. I'm in shock, maybe even denial.
Honestly, half the reason I've managed to hang on for as long as I have is because I've been suppressing a lot of extremely distressing things. Thoughts about my physical health and the state of my nose, of misophonia, of whether or not I have an undiagnosed personality disorder. Thoughts of relationships, past and present, of who I feel comfortable being around, of if I'm "drifting" from my friends or if I'll eventually leave everyone I meet.
And most importantly, thoughts of real life things - panic over not being able to hold any job that requires interacting with people due to my misophonia, over only having 2 years left to figure out my health before I'm forced off my mom's insurance, of needing to move away within the next two years because of rising sea levels, of what I'll do once my mom is no longer able to provide for my every financial and housing need.
And now there's even more on top of that. I'm being faced with very serious threats to my lifestyle, my personal safety, my internet presence, the existence of this very website... I don't know if I'll be able to keep this site up, or at least this blog, to be honest.
You should be able to guess, but I very much oppose Trump and everything he stands for. He's responsible for pain, death, suffering, to millions of people. As president he is only going to make things worse for the whole world.
And may I remind you I live in Texas? The governors (?) here are in bed with him and are doing everything they can to harm trans people and women. I'm lucky to be able to transition as an adult, but it remains to be seen whether I'll be able to keep taking HRT at all.
What am I going to do?... I don't know. Frankly, I don't know. I know my time here is limited. All I can really think is to run out the clock and live the rest of my time to the fullest I can. But to be honest, that's been the plan for years already. These recent events are only adding on to the obstacles that were already there. The main thing is whether I'll be able to get a job and provide for myself or not. That's extremely important and I have nothing to show for it right now. I'm 24, have never been to college, I could never do computer related things for a living (for personal reasons) and any work involving talking to other people is next to impossible due to my misophonia and other physical issues.
...
Anyway, let's talk about something else that's been going on. I don't think I've put it on this blog before, but I get migraines and sinus headaches. I have for my entire life. They've always been extremely debilitating, I've always had them almost on the daily while attending school, and I was mostly spared from them after dropping out, but they eventually became daily again as the years went by.
Recent medical findings in my life have led me to discover that this pain is related to my nose injuries. I've always had immense, unimaginable relief shortly after surgeries on my nose, but it never lasts, and the pain always comes back. In my post about the issue, I mentioned the solution might be nasal sprays and rinses - it turns out those didn't help at all. Shame.
Since then, the pain has been getting worse. It's gotten to the point I've been incapacitated daily, sometimes multiple times a day, sleeping both during the day and night, always getting naps over full nights of sleep. Sometimes I can only be up for 2-3 hours at a time before I have to lay down again. I feel intense pain, exhaustion, fatigue, that debilitates me. And again because of my nose injuries, I have intense difficulty sleeping. Wouldn't you know it, but I always slept extremely easier the first few weeks after a nose surgery, too.
Yesterday the pain reached a point of desperation. I had suspected for a while that there might be something wrong with the air, i.e. the air conditioning in my home, that brings on my headaches. After all, when the temperature is on 73 F, my migraines happen within minutes as opposed to over a much longer time. I also feel like the pain getting worse coincides with when I started attempting treatment with those nasal sprays and rinses. Incidentally, the shape of my nose seems to be even more bent than before now. Did the treatment damage it even further...? (Note: I'm suppressing feelings of body horror over my situation too.)
I tried an experiment. I was tired of letting this pain control me. I got in the car, turned on the engine and A/C, and chilled out there for about 4 hours. It seemed to help at least somewhat with my migraine and sinus headache, but not enough. But within a minute of reentering the house, the pain was on in full force again. I must be on to something with my air conditioning theory. It's something in the air.
Anyway, I went out and did what I had to do today. A followup with my neurologist, getting groceries and gas, going back to bed. The neurologist gave me Nurtec samples which I'm sure will do absolutely nothing just like everything else. I saw 2 cybertrucks, a trump lawn sign, and a truck with giant "trump 2024" flags while I was out. It really is the end of the world.
When I was heading back to bed though, I had an idea. What if I wore my face mask, i.e. covid, to sleep? I haven't put it on in ages, but what if it helps? To my surprise, for the first time in weeks, I woke up without the same level of sinus headache that's been keeping me down. There's still a tiny bit of migraine left over, but it's actually manageable. I've been keeping my mask on ever since, and I did another test when I let my brother's dog outside. The usually incredibly stuffy and oppressive air barely fazed me in my mask.
Huh... I might be on to something.
I think I know why this is happening, too.
I've heard in the past about how your nose is naturally supposed to filter out dangerous chemicals and bacteria when you breathe. It was a surprise to me then, because I'd been forced to breathe through my mouth for most of my life due to my injuries. But with the current state of my nose, I thought, what if my nose is unable to filter chemicals due to the sheer scale of damage? After all, it's bad enough that the only treatment is a full facial reconstruction on my nose. What if the poor quality air is seeping directly into my internals without being filtered?
And another thing. When I've been taking the nasal sprays I was given, I noticed they give me incredible drowsiness and dizziness within about an hour. I talked to someone who has some medical knowledge, and looked this up, and apparently this means the nasal sprays are going directly into my bloodstream instead of being absorbed like they should.
I can only assume this means there's some kind of wound or opening in my nose or sinuses that lets this happen. Is this also why the air affects me so badly? Is it a mix of both?
Either way, being able to wear a mask to filter some of the worst of it is HUGE. You have no idea how debilitating the air has been to me, for ages in fact, but especially the past month. I think I might need to get a second mask so I can start swapping the two out and washing them.
How about my social life?
This one's a bit stranger. I haven't really given a solid "update" apart from my previous post where I described what it's like to run out of spoons. But I'll try and fill in some of the more important points here.
I went through a breakup a few months ago that hit me very hard. It was with someone I was very close to and did not know there was any problems with. He cut me out of his life for a few months seemingly on a whim, with no contact between us. During this time, I grew closer to another friend and we entered something akin to a queerplatonic relationship. We grew very intimate and close.
Over time, I realized that I wasn't doing so well with these changes. While I greatly enjoyed my newfound intimacy, I had a sore spot when thinking about my ex or interacting with his friends. I've felt feelings like these before, and I certainly didn't want to feel them again here. I obviously wanted to talk to him again, he was my best friend for years before we started dating and we had a lot of feelings for each other still.
But I realized I just couldn't let it go. Or more accurately, when I talked to him or thought about him, I had these upset feelings well up. I can't say for sure how much was jealousy, how much was anger, how much was just upset in general. But something wasn't right, and my joy when he finally reconnected with me didn't last long. Something foul in me ruined any chance we had of rekindling our friendship.
And something similar happened with that new "partner", or queerplatonic friend, or what have you. We never made it "official" but we were almost partners in all but name. But I found myself getting upset when she talked about others in her life. I felt led on despite how much she was sharing time and intimacy with me. It didn't make any sense. What are you supposed to do when your feelings don't make sense?
We talked about it and... I don't know. She's okay with stepping back to just friends as I requested, but as with my ex, I felt incredibly ashamed of these feelings, of letting them be known. They shouldn't exist, after all. In my opinion, I shouldn't be feeling these things towards two people incredibly important to me, and the fact that I was was greatly disturbing. I felt myself regressing to a worse version of myself and my headspace as I suppressed my feelings for a few days. It wasn't for long, but I genuinely felt like I'd become something unspeakable.
...I don't know what to do about this. For a long time now I've had people suggesting I might have borderline personality disorder. It's something I've debated between back and forth, time and again. Some of my friends think I might have it, some are convinced I don't have it. I don't know what to think. I know there's resources out there, there's help available, some of my friends can share their experiences, but all I know is getting labeled this way, thought of this way, is existentially miserable in a way I can't describe. The sheer discomfort was enough to drive me to tears about a week ago.
Hypothetically, let's say I do have BPD. We could say that my treatment towards the two I mentioned earlier is "splitting" (I believe). From what I understand, people with BPD can't help it when they "split" on someone, and they can't control when it stops, either. I also seem to understand there's sometimes little to no reason for these "splits". And I can tell you that I've had similar feelings, which might also be called "splits", for others, going years back. And they're still in effect. I don't know whether to call them "splits" or "grudges", but thinking about them just upsets me on a visceral level and I hate being reminded of them.
So I ask again... what do I do? I haven't the faintest clue. I can't just ask my almost-partner to stop mentioning her friends and partners forever, that'd be wrong. I can't just ask my ex to leave me alone, I still like him a lot and want to hear from him.
And similarly... I can't just ask someone I used to talk to last year to stop being himself completely. That's not something he can do, even if the nature of just how he is causes this response in me.
That's another thing I wanted to put here. I invited someone I had extreme fights and disagreements with back into my life, in my discord server. From what I remember, I was just feeling so good at the time, even a bit altruistic, so when my server started an art club, I thought it might be good to invite him just so he can enjoy doing art with our mutual friends, without imposing on me.
Something went wrong in the communication and he returned to the server as a whole instead of just the art club. This wasn't what I meant at all. But I was encouraged to give him the benefit of the doubt and try and get along anyway, so I did. And needless to say, the "splitting" (or whatever we're calling this) I'd felt with him extending back to last year had not changed. I found I felt extremely uncomfortable just seeing him around and watching him talk with others.
At least this time I did everything I could to communicate my feelings and my stance. I let him know when it was too much, and we worked something out. But again... I don't know why I am this way. I would guess it's part "not-quite-personality-disorder" and part autism. I've also considered it might be "hyperempathy" and I'm absorbing a ton of bad vibes from him. Whatever it is, it seems that nothing I do can change this, because almost the entire conflict I had with this person last year had to do with me getting these feelings from him and him not knowing what to do about it.
So yeah, that's a few things going on with me recently. There's a lot to think about. I've been incredibly busy the past few weeks, emotionally and in terms of work. Doing a lot of self-imposed tech stuff. Trying to take a break from figura commissions, but getting stressed nonetheless because people are waiting on me to open again. Needless to say, the breakup, the new "relationship", the discussion of BPD, the election stuff, and the chronic sinus headaches? Not a good combo.
But I've at least found a temporary solution for one of those. I don't know what's going to happen from here. I guess we'll just have to see, meow...
