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Anger coming out of surgery day

Hello, all. It is sunny. I just had the last surgery in this series of wrist and elbow related surgeries. The surgery went okay and I surprisingly can still bend my left elbow a little bit. They did not even give me a sling. I suppose this means it is pretty safe. Also, I still have anesthesia in my system. It is hard to write this post.

But that is not why I am making this post. I want to tell you about something else that happened today.

Eir uses me for pain management. This means I was switched in whenever the surgery started. And also after I woke up I was still in control of the body. The recovery period immediately after waking up led to a series of events culminating in a verbal fight and pure anger.

The nurse's name is Penny. I met her when I woke up. She was trying to help me recover and in doing so, calmly and kindly helped me get some water, get my clothes on and get dressed. I had to wait for a while especially because neither my brother or my mother had arrived yet. They were trying to call my brother and he was not answering. I had to call my mother to come instead. You see, nearby another patient, this old man, was snoring very loudly in his sleep. It started to greatly bother me because of our mysophonia. So I requested my purse bag from Penny and swapped my earplugs in for AirPods. I used the noise-canceling feature. This meant I had to keep on pausing my music and turning off the noise-canceling mode whenever somebody was talking to me. Penny did not seem to be aware of this and kept talking. I had to ask her to repeat herself over and over.

Then Penny kept on coming and going for a lot of seemingly random and unrelated reasons. I know she has other patients to attend to, but she kept coming back with some new thing I had to try. Like, something that can help with my nausea. Which did not help, by the way. Penny offered to get me snacks to help. Every offer that she brought was something I could not tolerate. And after I told her this, she still went out and got a few snacks to show me. She brought her friend, another nurse, and they started saying that the two of them will work together to take care of me for a while. I was having problems with nausea and vomiting, and I still am writing this. I asked them to give me more time to heal before I dress and get out.

But they kept coming back or getting my attention. As I sat there trying to just tell people on discord that I had my surgery. These two girls kept walking back and forth in front of me always nodding to me or coming over or saying something. Whenever they said something I had to turn off my airpods so I could hear them. This got very annoying very fast and the way that Penny talked to me suddenly is hard to get a little strange. Not suspicious strange, but she's heard talking in a way that really confused me. Sometimes she said things I did not understand and just made the situation a lot worse.

Thankfully they did agree to move me to a recliner in another room temporarily. You see, because of the nausea Penny told me that my mother should get food for me after I leave. I told my mother to do so over text message. She said she could go pick up the food and take it to me in the car. I told her go ahead and the next time I saw Penny I told her that my mother has left to go grab food before I see her. Penny said that it's not what she meant but that it's still fine and I can wait for her here. The recliner was pretty nice. I was able to lay back for a while, do a lot more texting. They gave me water. I drank some of the water. I think I have a digestive problem because I ended up vomiting all of it.

The point is I was very overwhelmed by what was happening and even now Penny and her friend kept on suddenly appearing in front of me and talking and I had to stop my music every single time.

Then a bit of a fight happened. I was just texting my friends again. I suddenly heard a deep voice from in front of me muffled by my AirPods. So I reached up to turn off the AirPods noise canceling and hear him. He came over with Penny and sat right in front of me. I could not tell what he wanted. I did hear him say, "you can't eat food here." I asked him what he just said. He said he is the medical director. He started talking again but his voice was so fast I had some trouble understanding him.

Something about the way his voice sounded sent my autism sensory overload into action. I could not hold myself back. I raised a hand and said, "stop, please, i am so overwhelmed." Instead he told me to go to my ride home. I asked Penny who was next to him if my mother had arrived yet. Instead, she replied, "can you call her?" I said "she should be in a red car, I told you earlier. She said again, "can you call you mom?" I snapped a little and said in a lower, slower voice: "Is. She. Here. Yet?" The medical director guy stood between us and said sternly, "you do not get to talk to my nurse that way." I tried to control myself a little when I said to him, "why are you here again?" He said, "I am the medical director and you have to leave." I told him I already was. He rudely turned and left without another word.

I was still fuming at this point, but tried to control myself as much as I could tolerate. Penny stayed. I asked why he was so mad and if I did anything wrong. She kept giving vague non-answers like, "he is the medical director or "he is not mad." I asked again if my mother had arrived. She once again said, can you call her? I said, why aren't you answering my question? She finally said, I don't know if she's here. I said, you should have said that from the beginning. I begrudgingly went to my phone to call my mother just as I got a text saying she was here. Strangely Penny felt very emotionless at this point. She did not seem to care about the talk at all and when I said I hated fighting with him like that, she told me that we weren't fighting because he's not mad.

I had this terrible feeling inside my gut like an absolutely tightly packed twisted cage mesh net of nothing. I felt extremely upset. In fact, I could tell my body had adrenaline running through it because I thought we were going to argue.

When I saw my mother, I did everything I could to stay quiet because I knew I was at my breaking point. I tried to tell her, please do not talk to me until we get home. I am overwhelmed. I thought it was fucking easy to understand. Then she starts ranting and rambling about how she got food. Is my food fucking okay? Do I like it? Do I care that she got me a drink? Am I going to drink it? What kind of fucking question is, are you going to drink the drink I gave you? I insisted to her, please stop talking. I really mean it. She bizarrely acted all shy, meek and confused. I told her not another word until we're home. She pulled back and for the first time I can say I think I actually scared her. The mood in the car was this loud silence like the feeling that I had just dropped the mood. I convinced her to let me eat in my car. I struggled to find a comfortable place to sit and ended up spilling my drink all over my burger. I actually screamed. Not the kind of cutesy adorable scream that Eir does. I fucking howled.


God, okay, so all of the story I said above, I was being influenced by Eir while writing it to tell it in her shitty storytelling mode, where she recounts everything that happened in this particular way every little detail. It fucking sucks! I do not know how to stop it. I want one of us to go back and proofread it later.

What I really wanted to talk about when I was writing this post is how it feels to be angry. When I was a kid, because I am the original here, I had anger issues according to teachers and my parents. They were all vague, but no matter how hard I tried to just communicate to other people normally, it felt like Every time I always get somebody upset at me by accident. This is actually a huge contributor to why we split and Eir formed in the first place.

For whatever reason, I just have a low tolerance for things that are confusing or difficult for me to understand. This can come very easily, especially in a situation like today where all that happened was a nurse coming to see me for little minor things over and over which made me stop what I was doing and try to understand. And this low tolerance directly leads into me being upset, confused, and most of all angry. Anger just isn't accepted in this stupid social world. When I get angry, it is very hard to control. It's always been like this. I always make it worse somehow because while I am angry, even if I try to rectify the situation, people say more fucking shit that makes me even more overwhelmed and makes me even more angry.

I know this is a common experience for children with autism. It was very fucking suspicious it disappeared from my life, huh? That's because I hated my fucking emotions and anger so much that I split into a new personality. You know, it has been happening recently too. I am getting upset at my friends or scaring them by complete fucking accident. And then when I try to make things better, it makes it worse. It is just this fucking, terrible, unwritten rule that always comes back to bite my ass. I am fundamentally unfit to have friends.

Eir wanted me to write this blog post in part because of the fucking scientific nature of it. Like how interesting it is that I got this anger back and how it feels. And that is true, but god damn it, I have not calmed down yet. I do not know how to calm down. I just got somebody's fucking boss call on me and they told me to leave and I do not fucking know why.

Using calm music and calm words and trying to ground myself or soothe myself do basically nothing. I have always had this problem since elementary school, like I said. And I always just had to wait for the anger to slowly fade because it always feels like there's nothing I can ever do about it. Does anyone have any advice on what the hell I do in this situation?

This is further proof I am the original of our system as well. Having my anger reappear, the con is this is kind of ruining my life and all relationships with others. The pro is this means in a way we are healing and I have been brought out of hiding now.

You may have noticed in some places, or by speaking to me directly, I have trouble choosing words. I have had to rewrite a lot of this post actually just because the words I used completely fail to express what I am actually trying to say. This could be a form of autism too if you think about it. This autism is making me have a lot of difficulty communicating, not just with anger, but with my words and the words I use. Eir does not have this problem of course because she is a goody two shoes Mary Sue superpower Amazing awesome so so perfect pretty princess perfect girl who gets everything she wants.

It's not fair. Worst of all, I think this means I need some kind of therapy help. But you may know from Eir's posts on the blog, we are not about that. Do not want to go to any therapist pretty much ever. But there's also nothing to do about my problems now!

Sorry if this post is weird or has errors. I am still dealing with a lot of... What is the word? The fucking word? The anesthesia. I am still dealing with a lot of anesthesia in my body. It is making it incredibly hard just to share this post. I am using the voice recognition keyboard on the phone. I keep on spacing out and almost falling asleep in mere seconds every time I stop thinking about the post. I have something inside telling me I forgot to mention a big important crucial detail about the post or something. But I just cannot for the life of me remember what it was I forgot to say if anything. So you get this post.

6/4/2025, 12:25:38 PM
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Eir
eir@eir-nya.gay
2025-06-19

Just learned we've been banned from this surgery center after that fight and misunderstanding. Holy shit. Not doing ok after that...


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Eir
eir@eir-nya.gay
2025-06-04

Thinking about a bit more a few hours later, anger is really the most confusing emotion to figure out, isn't it? Because you would think if your best friend is angry because they can't fix a computer problem, you can be patient with them and give them kindness, right? But what if you are also angry because watching them get frustrated so easily that something you thought was simple makes you even more angry? What if you lash out at them, which is healthy for you to do, but harms them? What exactly is the line here? Is suppressing your emotion in this example really the right thing to do?


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