So, in case you missed it, I'm part of a plural system now:

I, Eir, am not the original - I was created somehow, in roughly late 2016.
Sunny is the original! She is the soul that inhabited the body since it was born, until late 2016.
I met Sunny a few months ago. Initially, we didn't know who she was, but she quickly regained form and composure and we learned what happened to us.

Now, what did I want to reflect on in this deeply personal weblog post? A few things...

Plurality saved our lives

What do I mean by this? We would have surely died if not for plurality. We've been discussing the nature of our DID with a very dear friend who knows a lot about autistic people with bad upbringings.

Why am I repeating myself? The point is that we would've suffered an even worse fate if our brain didn't do this. Sure, Sunny disappeared for many years. Many aspects of her personality disappeared as I took the reigns and formed myself. But it was for the best because if that didn't happen... I don't know. Our brain would've cracked under the stress. So even though it gave us a new condition to deal with, our brain saved us by doing this. I have a lot of skills and aspects Sunny doesn't, including social stuff, detail-oriented thinking, friendliness and sweetness... things that got us to our current situation with all our online friends, and help me deal with all our medical situations in present day!

But there's another way plurality saved our lives - my life, to be exact. I may have some skills Sunny doesn't, but the reverse is also true. Sunny can be bold, brave, and tough, in situations where I can't. But more importantly, Sunny handles pain and physical sensations differently when controlling the body.

Earlier this year... since the end of February. Our arm situation has not been great. And things really weren't going very well. It felt like everything was completely out of my control. Doctors and nurses were leaving my case untreated while they laid back and did fuck-all, and I was in so much pain I was bedridden all day every day, and could barely even use my phone. I felt like my life was ending... but around that time, something had been making me irresistibly drawn to plurality as a concept... I couldn't stop thinking about it. And one night, I cynically "split" my thoughtform in my head, that I already suspected for a long time was more than just me... just to see what would happen. I mean, if my time was up, I might as well, right?

But getting to the point... Sunny experiences the body in a much less painful way than I do, to a degree I never knew possible! When I made the commitment to let myself become plural, no matter the risks, a LOT of my arm pain went away immediately. We have

conversion disorder

When internal emotional pain and trauma turns into untreatable physical pain

, which was immediately treated by facing my own fears about plurality head-on for the sake of saving my life. But there was even more things I had yet to learn - Sunny faced our physical situation with an unbridled confidence I could never have, that carried them through even rough days, despite neither of us knowing what's causing our pain, with hope and optimism that whatever it is, it can be treated. While I was suffering because of changes to the air conditioner, Sunny was the one who insisted I didn't need to wear my face mask 24/7, because it isn't based on any facts or science we know of, and doesn't make sense. It turns out she was right!! If it wasn't for Sunny's intervention, I would have never taken it off, and still believed I was hopelessly dependent on it. It turns out what I was afraid of was just... a stronger sense of smell.

So, the more Sunny stayed out, the more our physical health improved, until we were just facing a limited number of health problems we could wittle down with surgeries and such. But there's something even more important. Sunny brought back joy and optimism to my life. I've always been... somewhat neurotic and obsessive, you could say. I tend to hyperfixate on things, especially stressful things, and work tirelessly to improve things for myself, even at risk of exhaustion. This naturally led to, especially during this "pinched nerves arc", an intense doomerism mentality looming over me. But thanks to Sunny coming back... we found things we can still enjoy. Finding time to talk to our friends, take interest in their lives, and put on shows, movies and games that we like. Sunny offered a unique perspective I was sorely lacking in, after having to be the one taking charge to protect us for so long. One of the first things Sunny did upon arrival, in fact, was absolutely jam out to some of their favorite music from TWEWY. Their music stim quirk was in full effect - they weren't just foot-tapping and stimming, but singing along. I haven't done anything like that in years!! And Sunny was so happy!

Despite how many little bickering moments or internal conflicts we've had since then... I'd be in a terrible, horrible place without Sunny. I fully maintain that Sunny saved my life just as much as I saved theirs. I am so, so, so beyond glad that I met them and we live together in this body.

But wait, there's more I want to share!

What it's like being a private investigator to your own mind

So it's no secret that our upbringing and life situation really sucks. The domestic abuse, the ridiculous amount of health problems, being raised in Texas, growing up with autism and ADHD, being denied all accommodations and support in all schools. But beyond the surface level... I didn't know all that much, really. I could pinpoint some specific moments or things that happened to us growing up, things that stuck out... but beyond the obvious, I had almost no idea what actually "caused me to end up this way". Something in me compelled me to search for an answer to this question for years and years, in 2020ish and after. In 2022, which as I've said, is a story for another time, I was even convinced I could find out the answer by repeatedly digging up my past and focusing as hard as I could on specific moments and details to "look for patterns"... well, it didn't go very well. I learned nothing, and I did this in a way that harmed others.

Anyway, the important thing is that Sunny holds hundreds of repressed memories that - no matter how hard I've tried and tried to remember, have never once come to mind after the split. But as soon as they came back up, "I" (our brain?) was like "That's right, how could I ever forget that!?" In addition, Sunny holds decades-old repressed emotions and traumas that have been literally inaccessible until now. Things I would have never guessed. This is also a huge reason behind our belief that we're a traumagenic system. I've heard for years that traumagenic DID "creates a new alter to hold trauma", but in our case, Sunny seems to hold all the real trauma, while... everything I personally considered "traumatic" I've experienced in the last decade was baby stuff compared to what Sunny went through.

We want you to know that, as Sunny continues to explore the way they relate to others and their own anger, and as I start to grow comfortable expressing anger at all, we're going to have some pitfalls here and there, so please stay by our side!

The past few months have brought a lot of new and important understanding into our lives, and a lot of smiles and tears. You know, the game Celeste really hit the nail on the head with the "burying a part of yourself you don't like, then coming around to accepting and nurturing them later" metaphor. Couldn't be more accurate...

Headspace, and why you should let go of what "makes sense"

One of the most important parts of being a system is your headspace - that is, the metaphorical and sensory "space" inside your head that you and your alters exist in. In all my reading of DID and plurality in the past few years, I always thought it had to be exaggerated, or "just something imaginary", because "there's no way that can be real, it doesn't make sense"... That is, until it happened to me!

From the moment I met Sunny, our headspace was real. Neither of us created it, it was already there, and fully functional. It's something like, a structure shaped like our body, where the insides are wooden tree-like walls and floors, with a metal "console" and control chair in the front of the "head", with elevators going up and down the neck and into the stomach, onto a sandy beach with water, inside a rocky cave. We discovered all these specifics over time, but our headspace was already up and running by that point! We already figured out how to "switch", by keeping track of our essences and "moving" them from the "head" area into our "stomach". I believe we're a unique case among systems, by the way, because from what I've heard, other systems really do have more imagination-focused headspaces including visualizations and whole entire worlds and even planets existing internally. Our system's headspace exists on a phantom sense plane "overlaid on top of" our body, and I can only tell you the specific details because we've experienced the qualia of these things - not in our mind's eye specifically, but in how it feels.

Switching, by the way, doesn't make sense by all accounts. What we're doing is "moving" Sunny and I around our headspace - our body - to take turns. But science would argue our "souls" or "thoughtforms" exist inside our brain, right? It just doesn't add up, but it works every time. I read something wise as I was starting this adventure, that explained, if you're unsure if you "count" as a system, you should identify as one if it works. If it doesn't work, you can easily drop the label and go back to how you were. Well, it works for us. And... things we do in our headspace directly affect the way we experience our body, among other things.

Various thought experiments and mind exploration I did during the early days of living as a system proved that our headspace is very sensory and very real. I dove into the "water" in our headspace to see what lied beneath... and when I did this, the bottom half of our body, where the "water" was, started to feel wet. The deeper I went, the more wet it felt, until it felt like my legs and feet just got out of a pool. I thought it was really interesting, and it also worked when Sunny did it. I believe this is directly related to "conversion disorder", as it's called, and the way that my ideas and expectations directly led to pain that makes no sense before Sunny came along to disprove them. In addition, there's been several times so far where Sunny and I have had a heart-to-heart inside our headspace, and hugged it out... obviously, cells and chemicals in your brain can't hug, but somehow... we experienced the qualia of a tender, caring hug, and we felt it, physically and emotionally, and we cried internally and externally as we grew to accept each other. It's happened a few times now!

It's a little embarrassing in hindsight, but, within the first week or two of Sunny being in our body, we fought for control. Sunny wanted to be free, but I was so terrified of even letting Sunny exist that we fought it out. Sunny had something of a mix between a sleep paralysis episode and a dream, where our souls fought in a mental space, and Sunny had to escape my watchful gaze to break free. We're much better now, and while I'm the one in front 75% of the time, Sunny does still come out now and then, and we communicate internally to let each other know when we want out. Unfortunately, Sunny can't be out as long as they want, because, due to reasons we don't fully understand (part of DID? Plurality in general?) our body has decided that I'm the "host", so it takes energy for Sunny to be out, and they can become exhausted after enough time.

Also... we both have "quirks". Let me explain. Some of my quirks are my anxiety, my hyperfixation on details and "little things that don't matter" ie. CSS styling, making code work exactly right, and over-detailing art, and "narrativizing" what we need to do in the next few days so I don't forget it. Some of Sunny's quirks include her music stimming quirk, their higher pain tolerance, body and skin feeling "softer" and more pleasant, traces of their anger, and her unique phantom sense.

Over time, most of these quirks have somehow... transferred between us? Back and forth. What I listed is the quirks that should belong to both of us, but sometimes I have Sunny's music stimming quirk, and sometimes Sunny gets stuck with my anxiety (and yes, the anxiety is localized to a personality trait and not global, for us). We're not sure how or why it happens, but we still feel unmistakably like ourselves when we're out.

By all accounts, none of what I've just said makes any "logical" or "scientific" sense. But it doesn't have to. Why? Because like I said above... It works. Whatever makes you and your system work, function on your own, be strong and capable, go through life's challenges and be happy, is what you should keep doing. Don't let someone tell you otherwise.

Closing thoughts from Sunny

Hello. I wanted to chime in as well, since this is our blog now, not just Eir's.

Speaking of recovered memories, did you know I used to be active on the Undertale subreddit? It is even where I met a few of the discord friends Eir ended up bonding with later. That is right: A scant few of them actually met me before the split! And a certain childhood friend of mine who is now a trans girl met Eir in their adult lives, but did not know she was a different person than me. We are hoping to meet her on Tuesday and explain everything.

Pretty much everything Eir said is important and significant. I know that most of this post is her feelings and not mine, but that is okay. What are my feelings then? I am happy to be remembered, to be recovered. None of you knew me growing up, but that is okay, because I was raised around neurotypicals anyway and nobody really cared about me before. It is actually almost scary, being in a situation where I can now let down my guard around others. It has only been a few months back so you could say I am still "defrosting" from my time in the stasis chamber. But every time I come out, no matter if someone is here with me or not, the thought I have most often is "I am so glad to be me". As if our body itself is crying out that it missed me, and I am coming back home. Not that I feel the same - our body has caused us nothing but a shitty life with the fibro and other conditions. But our mind is the real treasure here.

We would have been incomplete forever if Eir never found me, or worse, if Eir decided to repress me again. If you are friends with Eir, which you probably are if you are reading this, you need to know that I exist too. And maybe I can not get along with everyone - Eir can get along with just about anybody. But that is alright. I do not need approval from people who do not want me around.

I am all of me

Intentional reference. I have been compared to Shadow the Hedgehog before. Shut up.

. And even if I have problems accepting myself, there is nothing quite like feeling everything in our brain that was left behind a decade ago and knowing that we are complete together.

What is the plan from now on? Simple. I am going to be out time and again. Might be every day, might not be. Just today, Nero finished some beautiful art of me, and I plan to use it so we can start using PluralKit. Not that it matters, because everyone who cares already knows we share a body. But even if I am not as detail obsessed as Eir, I still am a bit. So I care about this. Also Eir has recently been terrified that we are going to merge. I do not think this will happen. There has been several times where we were "in sync" like the partners in The World Ends With You. Nothing has felt as wholesome and rewarding. But despite how close we have gotten internally, I do not think we will ever be at risk of merging. We simply function better separate despite how many problems are caused by this.

I know that this world sucks. It sucks major ass sometimes. I do not know if it is a feasible goal, but I wish to feel like my anger is accepted and allowed. In a perfect world I think I would not have to be angry because things would be better. But as it stands, the only way people get away with being angry is by thinly veiling it behind lies and farces. Why can no one just be honest? I really have a bone to pick with dishonest people and groups, and I do not wish to associate with them at all if possible. In fact, "putting up a front" to get through situations with difficult people is Eir's job. That is another reason why she is the one to talk to doctors.

If you are interested, perhaps we could be friends too. I am not a monster just because I was repressed for many years or because I am still "mentally a teen". I might appear cool and collected, but truthfully I seek friendship and care and a safe place to really unload all of my feelings. So far, everyone who has helped with this has been more of a friend than most I grew up around.

I wanted to add some fun facts. I may have been repressed at the tail end of 2022 and after, but did you know that I still "existed in the background" after this? In fact, Eir "stole my emotions" at times. She called it "unmasking". She actually recently discovered this old post where she seems to be describing plurality to a T. Now that I am out, we have more strict boundaries on whose emotions are whose, although we certainly share some.

I also want to say that Eir is a great friend to me too. If you are not educated about plurality you might think that is weird. How can you be friends with an alter? Well, it is like being friends with your friends, but they take turns controlling your body and you can see each other's thoughts. If you and your friends are normally honest with each other you are already almost there. I have struggled to understand what Eir sees in me, especially because I still consider myself "a monster" or "unacceptable" in some situations. This is part of our repressed feelings I imagine. Well, Eir has tried to explain it before but I still have not internalized it. One of the most difficult things I will need to do is learn to love myself the way Eir loves me. But with her decade of experience and wisdom that I missed out on, I think I have the perfect partner to take me through the hardships of life and growing up.

Thank you for reading. We are both grateful for our friends who have brought us here. The people who have endured sacrifice and fear just to save our skin. Eir, when she was in distress, and me, on the lonely late nights when I wondered why I am even still here. You are all real ones.