Hey again, friends. This isn't the super giant health-related post I promised, that'll have to wait - I think this one is more important and personal for now.

, we tried to go to a certain pain management clinic. We've been there before, it's the guy who acted smug about tai chi. We don't like him, clearly, but I went solely because I wanted to test if getting more of those "trigger point injections" would help our pain somewhat. The first time, it had helped the same day, because the lidocaine numbed all the pain in the shoulders and neck. It had felt amazing, but it only lasted for about 6 hours. He had said the first time around that we'll have to come back about every 2 months for more trigger point injections, to keep ourselves functional with our fibro. We may not trust or like him, but I wondered if he perhaps said this for a reason? Anyway, that's why I had tried to come here today.

I entered the lobby and started signing in on the clipboard. While I was writing, the receptionist asked "what's the name?" I have a pet peeve about receptionists doing this, you see - interrupting me signing in by hand to insist I sign in verbally. So, naturally, I got a bit miffed. I at first pretended to not hear her and keep writing - she asked again, at which point I responded, "I'm already signing in." My slight annoyance was visible on my face and voice, but that's all it was, a slight annoyance. I finished signing in, and she asked for the copay, so I gave her our mother's credit card, but looked away since I was still a bit bothered. Again, I don't think it was a big deal. Then I asked where the bathroom was, did my business, and waited in the lobby til I got called back.

But something's up - the lady stops me just inside the hall and says, "the doctor won't see you today." I asked why, and she said, "he says you were rude." I was really confused. She explained that, apparently, the receptionist "felt I was being rude to her" and told on me, which immediately led to this doctor refusing me. I explained that I wasn't being rude, I was a little annoyed but I was hard of hearing and autistic and wasn't rude on purpose. Then she continued, "there was also that scathing 1-star google review you left a few months ago..." I was like, "Oh yeaaah! I understand." You see, I'd left an indeed "scathing" 1-star review of this clinic after the last time I was here, when he did his dickery, refused to treat our herniated discs, and talked patronizingly to me. But it was 100% honest, and just that - a review. I mean, sure, he can refuse treatment after seeing the review, entirely his choice, even though it speaks volumes to his actual commitment to helping people... but that's not the reason we were denied treatment today. The way she was talking made it clear it was the receptionist - plus, if the doctor really was gonna deny us over the review, why didn't he cancel the appointment in the like 2 months after I wrote it?

So, after all that, what's my point?

I want to talk to you all about anger.

Ever since Sunny showed up, our mind and emotions have been slowly healing. I've experienced myself growing - rapidly, even - from Sunny's presence and the lessons they taught me. The most important of those is being upfront with my feelings, and not being ashamed of them, including anger. I've found myself not holding back anymore, around friends and birth family, not hiding when I'm annoyed or upset, and it's been overall very freeing and good feeling to not hold back anymore, not to mention our real friends are fine with us being angry sometimes.

The message that our anger is invalid and shameful and must be hidden has been heavily impressed upon us since Sunny was a kid, and in fact contributed to our DID split. Sunny was told by adults, their parents and, school staff, that they have "anger issues". We've heard this is a common experience for kids growing up with autism, but we can't say for sure. It's always felt deeply, deeply personal to us, and unfortunately, Sunny was successfully guilt tripped into believing they were fundamentally flawed and their true feelings needed to be repressed.

If you haven't, I'd like you to read this post Sunny made last month. It's about an encounter Sunny had with, again, neurotypicals in present day Texas tasked with caring for the ill, where our "anger" and "rudeness" were involved. The tl;dr is that Sunny was punished unjustly for expressing their anger and needs openly, and banned despite our serious health concerns.

 

I believe that, in neurotypical society, anger is looked down upon. Neurotypicals as a whole have a very poor understanding that "anger is bad", and so anger is only allowed if it's expressed through more dishonest means like sarcasm, backhanded compliments, patronizing, guilt tripping, and others, because they can all be defended with "But I didn't say anything rude", "I'm just being honest", etc. We've noticed a consistent pattern that neurotypicals seem to believe the only thing that matters is their word choice, not what they're actually expressing. Maybe it's just an american thing - I'd honestly believe it, given how much we've heard over our whole life about american culture being pervasively crass, unkind, smug, condescending and inhumane.

You might not believe me, but I've had this crack theory for quite some time now:

What if neurotypicals are the real "mentally challenged" ones, and neurodivergent people see the world as it really is?

I mean, think about it - most of the "detriments" and "downsides" I've seen neurotypicals say about autism can be easily reversed onto them:

• Autists supposedly "only care about their special interests", but we've seen most NTs stick to only one or two pieces of interest or identity, ie. fantasy football, piano, living a pompous lifestyle, sports
• Autists are said to "mask" to "appear more normal", but, just like what I described above, NTs constantly say one thing and mean another, and avoid apologizing or making amends if them or another feels hurt
  • Also, just look at any doctor's office or health network replying to serious criticism in google reviews with weak platitudes like "we take concerns like this very seriously" and "patient satisfaction is important to us", but always conveniently skirt around the issues
• Autists are supposedly "emotionally challenged", but in our experience, all neurodivergents we meet express a broader, deeper range of emotions than any NT we've met, including hurt, sadness, isolation, depression, anger, and disgust
  • I'd dare say that autists are more honest than NTs

I'm sure I'm not the only one who believes this, but I think neurotypicals, americans, boomers, and so on, are all playing a game of power, where privileged people get away with more, and none of these people know real suffering, so they all lack humility. I believe they hate people expressing anger because it's inconvenient to them and their worldview, or perhaps, they have such fragile egos that they don't want to interact honestly. I think everyone puts up some kind of persona to interact with the world, neurotypicals included.

So, I rambled for a while... what's my point?

We want to stop being ashamed of our anger, but still have deep-seated shame over it, and don't know how to safely navigate this.

With my story I told earlier, we've been effectively banned from seeing this doctor (and as I said, only because one neurotypical thought I was "rude", the google review was a second thought to them). And with Sunny's story I linked to above, we were banned from a surgery center and, again, guilted into thinking there's something fundamentally wrong with us, especially Sunny and their expressions of anger. We know that this world isn't kind to expressing anger. But the alternative is the same repression that split our soul in two and buried Sunny for a decade.
As soon as Sunny re-emerged into our life in April, immediately we've been presented with people around us IRL complaining that we're "rude" or "angry". But it's only been neurotypicals and adults - our trans friend we visit sometimes has no issue with us, and neither does anyone we talk to online.

And yet, despite having a pretty solid impression that the problem is neurotypicals, american culture, and the world we live in, we still can't shake all the hurt and shame drilled into us over the years. We can't be certain yet that there really isn't something wrong with us emotionally. This isn't something simple we can shrug off, like my "traumas" and "anxieties" over the last few years. This is a serious issue that's led to disproportionately massive punishment by everyone with power over us. I'd like to just say "at least we'll always have healthy expression over the internet", but this is a choice between being "acceptable" to neurotypicals, or letting Sunny and our mind finally heal after a decade fragmented, and becoming our best selves.

It's also hard to tell if this isn't just RSD talking. There's an old post from last year, and another, where I got heavy RSD from trying to get my driver's license. When we (mostly I?) experience RSD, we experience it as a crushing, overwhelming force on top of us, a big, resounding "no" that echoes all over. Of course my world didn't end cause I failed a driving test. But in that moment, I felt that everything about the core of my being was wrong, unacceptable, shameful.

I think, perhaps, RSD is actually an acute, targeted assault of shame. And shame is what we've (mainly Sunny) been forced to feel about our very emotions, from a young age.

Again, I think it'd help to know that this is all a universal experience to autistic people. That it's really not just us, that, like in my "crack theory" above, maybe it's actually healthy to express a wide range of emotions, including "unacceptable" ones like anger, and the problem is the world we live in.

 

The problem is, it's not that simple. Somehow, ever since Sunny showed up, we consistently impress upon neurotypicals - our birth mother, doctors, nurses - that we're "rude". It happens out of our control or awareness, and every time, we get punished severely.
And we've lost access to some medical help because of it. Whether by an in-person confrontation, or a google review I left.

One of my biggest fears recently has been that one little interaction, one little "mistake" to a neurotypical, one doctor visit gone wrong, or one google review... will come back to bite us. That these people will spread word to each other, that we'll be blacklisted, that we'll continue to be punished severely, because, once these people make the decision to hate, they stick to it.

But it now occurs to me that this fear is Sunny's. This is the same fear they grew up with. From what memories and experiences we've recovered since April, we know that, no matter how hard Sunny tried to stop it, they consistently convinced adults, especially teachers, that they were "rude" or had "anger issues". We know that some of these have an easy explanation, but that overbearing fear and dread never went away.

 

The point is... where do we go from here? I hope, sincerely hope, that we actually don't have anything fundamentally wrong with us... but the fact remains that we keep accidentally scaring neurotypicals with our, I guess, healthy expression of self? Is it really so wrong to be mad now and then? Or is this problem something else? And while I have your attention... is it safe to say that the way american neurotypical culture treats neurodivergence is traumatic? I honestly think it is. I want to know if this is a common experience.

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That "big post" is coming soon, I promise... it has to do with EDS. If you're a friend of ours, you're probably going to hear us talk about it a lot in the next few months.