CW for medical trauma Okay, fuck. Okay. Fuck. Again. I need to get this out. I need to get this out right now. I wrote about the medical trauma I lived through in my late teens in another post, but it goes further than that. For as long as I can remember, my body has not been right. Something has been wrong with it. I was always hyper-sensitive to touch. Everything hurt. In elementary school, it was so unbearable that I got into fights. And even in my youth, years and years of abuse, neglect. Being told by my family that all my sensitivities are in my head. That I'm "just sensitive". That I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I was told this by gym teachers, by staff, by other children, by my family. Nobody cared. I had constant nurse visits throughout my school life. In middle school, I had to go home sick frequently. The dickhead gym teacher turned on loud music that hurt my autism, refused to do anything to accommodate, and anytime I complained of pain, I was told, it's fine, everyo

Hi I just wanted to let yall know that, somehow, i left a major security issue in my site? I just disovered it? Apparently anyone could enter anyone else's account just by entering the username and any password? Because I accidentally compared the entered password to its own hash instead of to the saved one? This also meant that, if any of yall found it, you couldve edited any of my posts or images, deleted them, or made your own? (yeah i dont have my own scared emote yet, I'll do that eventually) So uh! It's a good thing I fixed that huh?? Wow. Anyway yeah um for reasons I am doing a bit of work on the site again after all this time. Feel free to chime in with anything you'd like updated or fixed.

This is one of the most important posts I will ever write. I have an answer. I have hope. I had a universe exploding moment of clarity, of hope, of love and healing, of hope for my future and my safety. Everything makes sense. I'm going to be okay. Dear diary, I have a lot to catch you up on. First of all, I'm plural That's right. So I never put this in my diary so I'll give a quick summary. April 5th, 2025. I had a horrible night involving opioids, vomiting, and fainting. After that, I went to bed. I kept thinking about "the plural question" I'd been wondering a lot about lately. I wanted to know why I felt so compelled to seek answers - to hear why the answer had to be "yes". I wanted to understand what my obsession with this was. If it was sick and twisted like I thought, or if there really was something there. Where the second voice in my head really came from. Why it acted that way. So that night, I, cynically, imagined something like a clay blob, with a crack down the middle, ima

Hi all. pushing through the pain once again to write this. Today was the big day. After waiting through one of the most hellacious months of my entire lifeive been nothing short of suffering. nightly breakdowns, about my body breaking down, about being trapped in the medical system unwanted and unhelped, about being helpless physically and mentally as my depression and loneliness came back, about wanting to move on from friends, about trust issues, about everything i can't do now. pain sometimes so bad i cant hold my phone. laying in bed all day waiting weeks as time and chances go by, because i cant function without steroids now, and i only have two left, I got to see the spine specialist.This time, thankfully, there's only a bit of bad news, as opposed to a whole heaping pile of it. I have plenty of good news for you this time! The bad news: It is most likely not nerve pinching like we thought. My symptoms match up closer with ulnar tunnel syndrome, which is basically carpal tunnel b

Quick post. I got a resupply of steroids so I can use my computer and such briefly. So this came about all of a sudden two days ago. I dont remember what lead to it but I learned I might have astigmatism. The more i talked about it with my friends, the more it added up, until I was certain. Well, I immediately booked an appointment with my primary care doctor, who gave me an urgent referral to an optometrist. I just saw her today. Guess what? I do have astigmatism. In both eyes. I'm not nearsighted, or farsighted, and in fact I've lived my entire life up to now believing I didn't need glasses at all. But it turns out I've had astigmatism since I was born. I've always had these problems like light leaving trails, bright lights hurting my eyes and head, my eyes straining in certain conditions. I've always lived in the dark as much as possible, turning off lights, using blackout curtains, avoiding being outside unless it's early morning or night. Light has always been painful for me, not

Hi. In a lot of pain just to write this but I'd rather put this out there, it's important. Followup to my previuos two posts. I dared to hope that I would be out of my current bad situation soon. I hoped I could be helped by the spine specialist I was referred to. That my pinched arm nerves could be released and I could resume normal functioning. I was only able to write that post because I had aweek's supply of steroids keeping me going. The doctor who referred me told me it'll keep me stable until my appointment. Know what I just found out yesterday? The referral was never fucking sent. I wasted my entire week's supply of the only help I had, waiting for a bunch of inconsiderate, lazy jackasses in a cushy office to actually do their job, which they delayed for over a week. I only found out because I called insurance themselves who had never even received a referral and had no idea what I was talking about. I was furious. I immediately called my primary care office and asked that they

Hi :3 Update to my last post. I talked to my primary care doctor. I first of all had bloodwork done to test for deficiencies, and then I asked about the shoulder/arm pains. I got help with both. The test came back. I'm only deficient in Vitamin D. They started me on high dose supplements immediately. I have 6 months' supply including refills, and I take them weekly. Supposedly this will help me a ton with feeling pain and weakness in my bones and muscles. I hope so! My arm issues are caused by the herniated discs in my neck pinching my arm nerves. Sounds painful, and it is. She gave me steroids and muscle relaxants to take for the remaining week until I can get in with a spine specialist. It's been interesting recently. Yesterday I was able to code for once. The steroids and muscle relaxant seem to be helping quite a bit. And, I think my new antidepressant might be putting in work? Fingers crossed? But make no mistake. Even though some things are improving, I am still fighting every d

So just when I think I'm getting used to using both my wrists again, a few things happen. On the 26th, I randomly had a vasovagal response while calling my girlfriend and fainted on the floor painfully. The day after, I got sharp and intense stomach pains and cramps and bad head feelings until I stuffed myself full of pizza. Today, after working for several hours straight using both wrists, I suddenly had some of my original symptoms come back, ie. need to pop my wrists and sudden sharp pain when extending my arm. Why? Whats going on? So to be brief, the first two caused me no shortage of despair and fear over food stuff. I already struggle heavily with ARFID and its consequences. I've been told by many adults throughout my life that I'm starving severely, or I'm anorexic, or I'm malnutritioned. I've wondered if they were right before but this made me terrified of it. I scheduled an appointment on Monday the 3rd to get my blood tested for vitamin deficiencies. I'm hoping to replace as

Wow. It's been a while since I was able to even see my site or blog, let alone write in it. The tech issues I mentioned last time have only continued. Tech So I had ordered a few items to upgrade the server box - new SSD, new CPU cooler, PCIe ethernet card. The first one doesn't seem to show up in lsblk. The second one was incompatible with the motherboard. And the last one needed drivers which thankfully I was able to get in the end.But because I had to stay with the current CPU cooler, I had tried to take it out and put it back in, and... the end result wasn't great. One of the pegs holding it in completely broke off and refused to reattach. No matter what I did, I couldn't get it to sit right. I ended up having to ship my PC off to a repair person who thankfully lives close by.After a few days of troubleshooting back and forth, and waiting on an order, he installed a new CPU cooler, a Cooler Master, and some new thermal paste. He managed to deduce by running Linux Mint off a flash d

Hi again. In a recent post I mentioned having internet problems. It turns out that was only the beginning. While I've had spots of usable internet here and there, the internet has been largely unusable at my house for about a week. I complained previously about my mom buying new modems. I was right that those weren't the issue. But the real cause is much much worse. We had a technician come over today - the second in a week - and he was very competent and detailed in explaining our situation. It turns out the coax cables in this house are extremely old - a model called RG54 I think - which predate the nineties. They're thinner, less shielded, and more vulnerable to various kinds of damage. He explained to us that this is one of the main underlying causes of our problems, as it leads to uncontained voltage traveling up the coax cable and hitting the modem. This causes the modem to lag and freeze, even on local connections between devices on the same network, or fail device logins entire